The Black Hole Of Des Moines Appreciation Society

B-Fest Wrap Up No. 2

2009-02-11T19:23:00.000-08:00

Mystery Short No. 1

Ever since it's height in 02 when "What is Communism" floated the entire auditorium on a cloud of irony, the mystery shorts have always been a take it or leave it proposition. Then last year, Sonny Bono showed up to give us a court-ordered lecture on drugs and my hope was restored. This year, we got a half-hour long all female Busby Berkly style musical in Chinese.

Well played, B-Fest.

The language barrier wasn't the only thing that made this indecipherable. The all-female cast caused a few heads to be scratched and the musical quality...ouch. Just ouch. You don't think "endurance test" when you hear the words "mystery short" but you also don't expect five minutes of screeching in a foreign tongue to seem like 4 hours in a dentist's chair, either.

Murder in the Air

I figured it would be a good five minutes before the fest crowd made an Alzheimer's joke. Nope. Inside the first minute, before the credits were done if I remember. It also took about a half hour to grasp onto the fact that "murder" wasn't where this plot was taking us, and that the "air" portion of the title was kind of incidental. It would be similar to "LA Confidential" taking place on Kominski Field with long grass that sort of resembled a labyrinth. And starring Jimmy Carter.

The movie was kind of dull, with Ronald Regan finding himself stuck as an undercover officer in a mob style noir. There's a moll, a bit of intrigue and planes, toward the end. No biggie.

Raffle, Wizard, Plan 9

Nothing new here. We were skunked, went to stomp and threw plates, in that order.

Scream Blackula Scream

Some negative buzz was floating around about William Marshall's second go round as the master of the slightly darker dark, as it were. In actuality, I enjoyed the film quite a bit. Yes, Pam Greer had nothing to do (though I did dig the voodoo ceremony toward the end) and yes, the plot moved a little slow and yes, the title character only does the reenacts the title in the final minutes out of the blue, but overall the thing had a great lead, decent atmosphere for a tiny budget and some kind of fun dialogue all the way across. And it was riffable.

My favorite bit involved Blackula crashing an antiquities party and sort of wooing everyone in the room, then going out the garage and turning into a bat for no reason. It fit the movie so well - great charm at the beginning with a bat on a string by the end.

By that point, I'm getting a big hazy. Onto:

Don't Knock the Rock

Pretty basic, really. The country loves rock. Musicians love rock. Old, powerful, sticks in the mud don't like rock. Musicians show up and put on a show to change people's minds. One slut ruins it for everyone. Then rock somehow wins and everyone falls in line. Somewhere in there, the main musician guy nabs the girl. Play us out.

And then Little Richard shows up and things get interesting.

Not really. Little Richard playing on the big screen in all his youthful, not quite flaming glory was a site to behold at 3 in the morning. The dude could play. Probably still can.

Woof. I ate too much junk and decided to sleep off Donovan's Brain and end up missing The Tingler, too. Ack!

B-Fest 09 Wrap Up, Part 1

2009-02-05T18:52:00.000-08:00

One thing I've noticed over my seven (god, seven!) years of going to B-fest is how many "normals" want to talk about it before and after. The idea interests them, captures their imagination somehow - the idea of pushing your body and your mind by cheesy movie after cheesy movie, each one more processed than the last.

What I tell them is it's glorious. And they would never make it. They seem to understand.

B-Fest 09 was glorious, let's get that out of the way first. The folks who attended have wits both sharp and quick and were friendly and great to be around as always. The trip was doable and the fest itself, one of my top three favorites. In short, good, good year. And normals wouldn't make it past Scream Blackula Scream. But we did.

The trip started off with Chad and I traveling to Omaha where we had dinner at the Dundee Del with the tall and friendly Mr. Lane Hickenbottom, then catching a screening of "The Wrestler" (if you've ever seen plastic surgery kill the face of an aging star - if you've ever seen a bad chin job then you've seen me) which was great and deeply sad in equal measure. Then it was off to the home of Matt and Pat Campbell where we all sang like girls during a spirited round of Rock Band, sampled some corn whiskey to offset the singing like girls, and hit the sack. It was up at 6, on the road by 7:30 and off we went.

Matt's an old pro at this, but Pat didn't know what he was getting into. Any trip with the three of us includes a stop in Iowa City (turn here, Mike) to visit He Who Walks Between The Arches at the Coralville McDonalds. Pat took it well, getting nervous upon the approach and reverent as we ate an early lunch in the coldest McDs in the free world. We considered the fryer as a source of warmth and could see our breath through the sips of sour water that passed for Diet Coke. HWWBTA was having a bad year, apparently.

We hit Illinois with a little Kung-Fu Panda (screw you, it's a legitimate Kung-Fu movie on training wheels), the Edward Norton "Incredible Hulk" movie from this year and a few other novelties. It was onto the Eisenhower, onto the testicle tingle trestle and into the Best Western to meet up with the BMMB. Again, Pat was nervous upon the approach and reverent as we pulled up.

We all headed off to the Tiki Bar for a few drinks, a mammathon and dirty talk over cigarettes. Then to the hotel for the after party where my tech skills proved woefully inadequate but my foresight in bringing lots of booze made up for it. I went to bed early, but apparently a lot of drinking took place after I conked out, leading to the immortal line "puke, you'll feel better in the morning." And so it was.

Friday, we dicked around downtown, bought some books, drank some coffee and hit the auditorium for the fest. The energy level was a touch lower than in the past (the pixie serving as MC who couldn't project over the crowd didn't help) but that changed real quick with the appearance of Mr. Chuck Norris. Welcome to B-Fest 09.

Firewalker

People love Chuck. I think Chuck is a real life douchbag who made some fun flicks, but let's face it - the jokes are getting old. It would have been hard to sustain an entire movie with "Chuck Norris is so tough..." jokes, so I thanked the quipping Gods when the first scene sees Norris and his buddy Louis Gossett Jr. tied prostrate in a desert, with only a beer for company as an evil someone or other drives away, laughing. Chuck crushes the beer bottle, uses the glass to cut his ropes and "crotch cam" is mercifully ended.

What follows is the really, really poor man's Indiana Jones with half-assed treasure hunting, a villain who doesn't pay much attention to the plot except when it calls for him to break into the stereotypical Native American "hey ya ya ya hey ya ya ya" and a love interest who bears a striking resemblance to a french poodle. The highlight of the proceedings is a bar fight where Mr. Gossett Jr. sees a punch coming and yells "aaawww nooo!" before taking one to the big bald head. The phrase immediately stuck and became the Zeus yell of 09's fest.

Overall, "Firewalker" was a big "eh," the defining characteristic being a distinct lack of fire walking. Imagine, Chuck Norris turning in a half-assed performance in a half-serious action movie. Perfect cannon fodder. Feeling good. Onto...

Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man

Meets is kind of a strong word. It was more like a meeting where each side has something the other one wants. On the Wolfman's side, Dr. Frankenstein's science offers a way to finally die and end his suffering. For Frankie, I kind of forget what he was getting out of the deal. Given he ended up taking a dam to the face at the end of the picture, he probably got hosed.

This wasn't your typical "monster meets monster" movie for three big reasons: There was a musical number, some pretty famous names were involved (Bela Legosi played Frankie, of all people) and it actually reached a fairly good B-movie style crescendo. It was better than anything Aliens Vs. Predator was able to pull off.

My finest moment of the fest came during this movie. When the Wolf Man turned and started hunting a cop, Josh of the BMMB started making frantic "bacon bacon bacon" chants, like the dog on the commercial. When the Wolf Man finally attacked, I yelled "It's Bacon!" which worked on a couple letters. I got some scattered applause and my self-esteem was up for the year. Yay me.

When we return: bad special effects and even worse food.

Um...oh yeah...

2009-01-22T07:43:00.001-08:00

Is anyone navigating? I don't think it's a good idea to let me figure out where we're going.

B-Fest Update No. 4

2009-01-21T08:35:00.000-08:00

My quick thoughts on the line up:

Firewalker - I don't know how wise it is leading off with Chuck Norris. I'm still lucid at that point and might not be able to separate the somewhat stale "isn't Chuck Norris a bad ass" jokes with the realization that he's actually a bigoted neo con who wants gays to go look on an island. Don't believe me? Read his blog on the National Review. This is the sort of thing I'm going to be thinking about, I don't care how much Lewis Gosset Jr. we're talking about. On the other hand, this is a particularly bad movie if I remember correctly - Norris as Indiana Jones which means it's just Chuck Norris. Color me skeptical.

Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man - That's more like it.

Mystery Short 1 - Do I hear monkeys? Monkeys? How about "You Are What You Eat?" A woman looking at all-guy porn? A primer on why not to walk under a ladder? Midgets fighting over a chair? Sonny Bono talking about drugs (a personal favorite of mine). Animals doing animal stuff while I watch while I shake my head and wonder why I'm still watching?

Murder in the Air - Oh yes, it most certainly is.

Raffle - I'm thinking Chad's going to get skunked. Call it a hunch.

The Wizard of Speed and Time - I actually had a dream about being chased by the tri-pod a couple weeks ago.

Plan 9 From Outer Space - OK. Seriously, what else am I going to say?

Scream Blackula Scream - I hear it's dull. I don't much care, I think it looks fun.

Don't Knock the Rock - I might have opened or closed with this one. It's hard to know how excited folks will be for dancing and merriment at 3 a.m. Little Richard in the middle of the night might be enough to send me to the hallway, and I'll be thinking violence if Bill Haley and the Comets play Rock Around the Clock more than once.

Donovan's Brain - I don't know much about this movie, but it's during the traditionally hard time to stay awake for me. I'm interested (unless the Donovan in question is the folk singer or the rather milquetoast actor Tate Donovan), but we'll see if I can slam a Brawndo and make it happen.

The Tingler - There we go. I can't wait for this one as - ghasp - I've never seen it. It sounds fantastic.

Captive Wild Women - Nothing like a good, old fashion contradiction in your title. If you're captive, you can't damn well be wild and vice versa. Come on movie. Then again, the title has me interested.

Mystery Short 2 - Does anyone actually believe this will be the second mystery short? I call at least five other shorts and another showing of The Wizard of Speed and Time before we get to the second scheduled short.

American Ninja 2: The Confrontation - When I say Golan, you say Globus. GOLAN! GOLAN! B-Fest gold each and every time their names appear on the screen and I'm expecting nothing different.

The Terror of Tiny Town - I'm actually kind of torn on this one. Yes, we're having fun and cracking jokes at this terrible movie but isn't this the worst kind of exploitation on display here? Isn't this completely undignif...I'm just kidding. Look! They're little! HAHAHAHAHHAH!

Mystery Short 3 - See Mystery Short 2.

The Incredible Two Headed Transplant - I don't know what's so incredible about it. You take one head, you put it on another head, viola. Now taking a woman's head off after a car accident and keeping it alive, there's something.

Megaforce - SQUEEEEEEL! I can not wait for Megaforce. This one's going to kill and I remember, the good guys always win. Even in the 80s.

Gozilla Versus Megalon - Eh. Go Godzilla.

Onto logistics.

Chad and I are leaving about 1 p.m. on Wednesday, we'll catch some flicks, eat some dinner and make it over to the Campbell household around 9:30, if that's OK with the Campbells. A little Rock Band, a little drinky poo, a little OMG on the Internet and we're off to bed. I say we make it a point to be out the door by 6:30 if we can. That won't be too bad for us day walkers (sorry Plambeck) and we can hit the road.

Speaking of which, I've got a few surprises for the car I'll keep for now. I'm also bringing an Executaine, an elegant traveling case for booze, and a projector.

And, that's it. The hotel is reserved (they sent me confirmation letters and everything), the van is en route and we're set. Be careful out there and I just wanted to say Good Luck, we're all counting on you.

B-Fest Update Number 3

2009-01-13T10:11:00.000-08:00

Top 10 Things A&O Films Is Doing Instead of Putting Out The B-Fest 09 Schedule:

10) Trying to find a film starring William Shatner that hasn't been shown.

9) Laughing hysterically at monkeys in diapers.

8) Trying desperately to repair the print of "Wizard of Speed and Time" so it can make it just one more year.

7) Trying to find a projectionist who'll sit through a Roger Coreman snooze fest AND Plan 9 in one sitting.

6) Hooking up and smoking weed while all the while being watched by that creepy guy in the bushes with a fixation on blunt instruments...

5) Laughing at "The Adventures of Superscrew."

4) Wretching and shaking their head at "The Adventures of Superscrew."

3) Plotting which films will make Mike drowsey so he'll miss "The Adventures of Superscrew."

2) Trying to find a host more personable and good with a crowd than last year's host (it's going to be difficult!)

1) Probably learning stuff.

Well screw that. I want my B-Fest list. Now. It's gotten to the point where I'm refreshing my e-mail once every couple hours, at work or at home. I need to know, man. You can't go stag with this level of pain, you need to prepare and guard yourself if at all possible. This is psychological warfare and I'm not getting caught with a right hook of "Gassssssss" and a left hook of "Invasion of the Star Creatures" again.

Chad is off to the magic kingdom and won't return until Sunday, so no decision can be made at this time concerning when we'll leave GI. If I had to guess, I'd say Wednesday but it kind of depends on his schedule.

Apparently some on the BMMB are looking at a trip to mini-golf. I can't decide if I want a road type adventure that mini-golf would provide or if I'm more comfortable catching a flick and staying in the general vicinity of the fest. A decision probably should be considered.

You ever notice how B-Fest comes at just the right time? I've got relatives getting laid off and friends seperating from their wives, troubles at work that are keeping me up nights and persistent health problems. This seems like the time to go away for a while and do nothing but laugh with friends, drink out of coconut husks and generally have some fun. Now, if they'd only POST THE FREAKING LIST!!

Everything else is OK Go. Post predictions and preferences and we'll be back next week.

B-Fest Update Number 2

2009-01-06T08:33:00.000-08:00

Realizations always come at the worst time.

I just realized I'm going 90 after I passed that cop.

I just realized I left the lid off the milk last night as my toddler daughter screams for her morning fix.

I just realized Frank Miller made me hate Sam Jackson AND boobs with one movie.

You know, stuff like that. I had one of those moments yesterday when I realized that my B-Fest ticket rested on the peddling skills of a bald, bespeckled, approaching middle-aged guy I had met maybe 5 times who I wouldn't put money on to make it across Chicago on his bike in January.

Yet, here we are - four guys with four tickets to B-Fest. So let's all raise whatever we're drinking to Skip, the man with the tickets. A good guy, a strong guy, a guy who went through urban hell on two wheels so we could sit in cinematic hell for 24 hours. What a guy, I repeat

WHAT

A

GUY!

Now that we're clear of that, onto the update.

Not only is "The Van" set, but I have an appointment the week before B-Fest to take it in to Wal-Mart's auto center for an oil change, tire pressure test and a few more diagnostic procedures to make sure we make it there and back. Both are important. Which brings me to the question, when do we want to leave? I am off of work at noon on Wednesday the 28th, meaning I could bop down to Omaha at a reasonable freaking hour the night before we're due to leave. Chad, if you're up for that, let me know. If not, we'll hop on the road at 4 a.m. Thursday morning and we're off.

I'll bring my lap top, Matt, bring your big screen portable DVD player, and we'll all bring a bunch of movies, throw them in the middle and see what sounds good. Personally, I'm searching for Chicago films, with a few other "must brings" on the list.

Thursday, once we're there, it's the typical "meet up in the lobby, go clean up then off to food and the Hali Kahiki" type of thing. Groovy. The morning before the fest, Chad and I talked about maybe catching "My Bloody Valentine" in 3-D. Is it wrong that's my most anticipated movie right now? If that's not the consensus, I'd also like to catch "The Wrestler." Cinematic steak before a gorging of cinematic Vienna Sausage from a can.

And, that's about it for now. Next week, we'll talk more about how dreamy Skip is.

Helo. WHEEEE!

B-Fest 09 Update No. 1

2008-12-26T14:29:00.001-08:00

You're a little slow on the uptake this year, Bockoven.

I know.

What the hell have you been doing?

Nothing terribly productive.

So there's something more important, something more splendid you have on the horizon, something more nerd-funk-tastic-orama-ding dong-eriffic on your itenerary that you've laxed actually planning for B-Fest 09? What the hell, man?

Look, I was off for a while but I'm on it now.

Forgive me for not feeling great about that.

Can I go over the specifics now?

Go to hell, slacker.

OK, let's start.

Who's Coming: Mike, Chad, Matt and first time newb b-fest virgin and soon-to-be-in-over-his-head Pat, brother of Matt, son of Mike (not that Mike) and...wait...this is getting confusing. Pat's coming too.

Transport: Remember the Windstar that brought us to and from the Windy City, the City of Big Shoulders, The Home of Boss Tweed, the home of the president-elect, and then through the Black Hole past the shitty rest stops of Des Moines back to the plains of Nebraska? Yeah, we're taking that car again. It's roomy, the sound system is a solid B+ and I'm told it will get us there. I'm told.

Lodging: I have reservations for one room at the University Plaza again for the evenings of the 29th and 31st of January. The rooms are $119 a night and I have a request from my wife: We're willing to pick up one night and put the whole thing on our credit card. Is there any chance the three of you could chip in $40 or so a piece to cover the other night? If need be we can kick it down to $30 and I could throw $30 in the pot for the one night. Either way, I've got one night. If this really does get to be too much of a burden, please let me know and I'll see what I can swing, but any help would be appreciated.

The Cool Stuff: I've got movies. You've got movies. We've all got movies and half the fun of driving 1/4 of the way across the country to watch a bunch of lousy movies is WATCHING MORE MOVIES!! I'm also planning a trip to the Hali Kahiki (no expensive outings this year) but I have a capper - Sarah bought me a projector that we can hook up to anything with an AV cable. We can watch MORE MOVIES in our hotel room with a sheet and some tape. We can have others come over and watch movies and enjoy them as a group. Cool!

Tickets: I hear Matt's on that one. Or at least Matt's on top of Skip who's on top of that one. Wait...ah shit, I did it again. Let's just move on. Nothing to see. No jokes about Matt on top of Skip, no images of their two bodies writing together by candlelight as "Take My Breath Away" plays in the background, no fantasizing about the giggles each of their goatees would make on the other's foreheads...ah shit.

Misc: They could show "Baby Geniuses 3" and I'd go 'cause I love the trip, I love the travel and I love being with you guys. w00t!

More next week.

Limerick, 10-25-08

2008-10-25T07:21:00.000-07:00

In the theater, each woman and man
Yell as loud and as long as they can
The argument rages
It's one for the ages
Is that furniture Wicker or Rattan?

Limerick, 10/24/08

2008-10-24T19:49:00.000-07:00

After serving as a deadly sniper
Sir Connery donned a red diaper
All the words he could hear
"Cause I'm standing right here"
My memory I'd like to wipe...er

A Limerick for 8-23-08

2008-10-23T06:41:00.002-07:00

Whether you're a vet or a noob
When you view "Plan 9" on the toob
Men sit up more straight
And it's real hard to hate
'Cause of Vampira's fantabulous boobs

A Limerick For 10-22-08

2008-10-22T20:38:00.002-07:00

At midnight we know what's in store
That solarnite's a crushing bore
But we all sit and stare
With fists pumped in the air
When the crowd shouts out as one "TOR!"

A little early, but...

2008-10-21T18:50:00.001-07:00

The hotel is reserved gentlemen.

Chad, can I count on you to be liason between Skip and the three of us if it looks like it's going to sell out?

And now, a limerick

After 8 movies I begin to tire
After 12 I stink and perspire
but what keeps me alight
through the long cold dark night
is the cry of a hobo on fire

B-Fest Wrap Up No. 2

2008-02-03T08:17:00.000-08:00

Dracula's Daughter

The crowd's still pretty jazzed as "Dracula's Daughter" begins. That soon changes. Chad describes the Lugosi-less ode to conflicted vamparism as a cinematic punch to the crotch. I feel it's more like a cinematic time share seminar - dull and trying pointlessly to sell you on something you're never going to buy. The plot involves the aftermath of Drac going the trip, as one of his vampire ladies named Marya Zaleska seeks therapy to slake her bloodlust. It works about as well as therapy usually does, and soon she and her ghoulish sidekick are seeking pretty young things with healthy young veins.

It occurs to me that the type of creepy that Lugosi pioneered just doesn't fly when attempted by Gloria Holden. I knew she was in trouble when the crowd started yelling "BLINK!" at her during the scenes when she's supposed to be threatening.

It's also worth mentioning that at this point my group is in the middle of inside joke hell. There were three big inside jokes at this year's fest for me:
-The fact that I have "one job," which referrs to my frequent driving misadventures
-Hobos on fire. This stems from a conversation in Cloverfield and while it's dark, it's not nearly as mean as it sounds. Or maybe it is.
-Mimicking the guy who yelled at us, normally in the form of "I paid $35 to get in here and I want to watch" fill in the blank. And we got off some doozys, if memory serves.

The creepiest part of "Dracula's Daughter" was what came immediately after it - a nasty little short called "You Are What You Eat," where a gargantuan woman (Tim - That's a MAN...MAN!) bothers, irritates and otherwise molests a dude who looks like Harry Potter's skinny, dorky cousin. Time is sped up, time is slowed down, music screeches and everyone is thoroughly creeped out. Not fun.

Also not fun - the grouping of silent film shorts that begin just after "You Are What You Eat." I respect Chaplain as much as anyone, but you have to admit it takes a couple minutes to get into the rhythm of silent films. When the film is short and doesn't allow you that time, AND is packed with juvenile jokes straight from low-grade vaudeville, there's not only not much to make fun of but also not much to care about. Yawn. Which brings us to:

Barbarella

I've had hours of debates with people about what constitutes a B movie, and I believe in my bones "Barbarella" would apply had it not become a cultural touchstone. But, given Dino de Laurentis' ode to interstellar sex somehow tapped a nerve when it came out in 1968, it can look like a B-movie and walk like a B-movie, but probably isn't a B-movie. Still, there's plenty to make fun of.

Like when Barbarella has her first sexual experience with a Yetti-like man who removes his bear skin wrap...or does he? Or the pleasure-giving organ (like you see in church, Mr. or Mrs. Mind In The Gutter) or the blind angel who...is love, man. Or Marcel Marceau in general. Personally, and maybe I'm underthinking this, but the movie seems to be about nothing but freak culture, with no attention to substance or character. Either that, or someone made the most almost-nudity free and expensive kink film of all time. Maybe that's the hidden meaning.

No hidden meaning in the short following "Barbarella," no sir. It's footage of a bunch of animals. What are they doing? Animal things. Ducks swim, monkeys swing (from trees, Mr. or Mrs. Mind In The Gutter) and at one point I think one Rhino mounts another. Maybe it was a "Barbarella" aftertaste, who knows. Just animals. It was pleasant enough, but allow me to pose the thoughtful and carefully pondered question, what the fuck? Seriously, I PAID $35 DOLLARS TO COME HERE AND WATCH ANIMALS?

One of three showings of The Wizard of Speed and Time follows, which leads me to think "how exactly did this strange ritual develop." Did one person come up with the moves to "Wizard" and folks just fell in line? It could have happened.

Plan 9 From Outer Space
Plan 9 is the last stand of the regular people. They have fun at the midnight movie, then unroll their sleeping bags or inflate their matresses and get 5 or 6 hours of sleep, free of visions of Sean Connery in a big red diaper. For the rest of us, it's the last known quantity bofre things get seriously freaky.

Tim starts off with a rather astute observation that "Plan 9" has been lying to us for decases. The title card beginning the show proclaims "Criswell Predicts." He doesn't predict. He pontificates, he bloviates, he runs off at the mouth, but there's not a shred of prediction in the whole grandiose affair. Just bad hair and big ideas. At the beginning of "Plan 9," several BMMBers decided to lay flowers on the grave of the "Old Woman," played by Vampira, as the inspiration for Elvira had died just a few days before. It went off OK, but lead to a couple funny stories involving fat men buying fake flowers. When I described the stunt to my wife, she shook her head and said "It must have been hard getting so many dorks in one place." Not really.

Black Samson

It's time to get it on.

By and large, Blaxpoitation films are part of B-Fest, usually during the overnight. They've run the gamete from Coffee (one of the best) to Monkey Hustle. "Black Samson," was probably my least favorite, which isn't to say it didn't go over well. It did lack both the social conscious and home made atmosphere that made the other films so fantastic. "Black Samson," is Blaxploitation after Blaxploitation died, IMO.

The plot involves a strip club owner who carries a prayer stick which doubles as a honkey stomper. His nemisis, a business man and part-time mysoginest whose bent on...what...gentrification, as near as I could tell. It has to do with developing and there's strikingly little action until the glorious final reel where the white hoods are pelted with kitchen appliances from the project windows, and a shirtless Samson beats the equally shirtless honkey mysogenist (best line...THIS ISN't SPARTA!)before reconciling with his undertaker brother who's ON CO-CAAAAAAINE!

I don't know. Either the sleeze wasn't sleezy or the party atmosphere wasn't party enough. When Rudy Ray Moore came out at the end of Monkey Hustle, the whole thing seemed like a block party. Black Samson never caught that wave. Also, you don't introduce a plot device like a lion and then leave it to languish. Bad form.

Zardoz

Films are largely an emotional media, which is why they're so feared. You can throw theory about WWII back and forth for an entire semester, but nothing connects you to the experience like watching "Band of Brothers." Suddenly, a lot of the theory kind of goes out the window.

"Zardoz" is a movie that's almost nothing but theory. There are ideas, possibly good ones, contained within. There's philosophy and sociology and psychology and other ologys that could keep the thinking man going for a while. After 3 Brawndos (they have what plants crave) and over 10 hours of viewing with the nerd funk rising around me, I'm not a thinking man. I'm quipping for my life at that point.

Given the circumstances, "Zardoz" was not well received by my chemically altered brain. The ideas skipped off, the psychology lost. Instead I saw the movie the way most educated people see NASCAR - as a big fat waste of time and energy. I stand by that assessment, though it may change in a different setting.

I did, however, put together a skit that I thought was crackerjack. During the first part of "Zardoz," a giant God-head (literally) descends from the sky to tell a group of red diaper-clad savages that The Gun Is Good and The Penis is Bad. My idea was to get two big pieces of posterboard and write "Gun" on one side, "Penis" on the other and then write "Yay" and "BOO" on the other piece. Folks would cheer the gun and boo the penis. No social commentary, no siree, just good B-Fest fun.

Chad, he who drew the beautiful cartoon letters, came up with me. He had a great routine worked out where we would get confused about what we were cheering or booing. I could see his plan was solid and had every intention of going with it, but I started too early and the joke was lost. I suck.

B-Fest Wrap Up No. 1

2008-01-22T17:45:00.000-08:00

Let's get this out of the way right up front - this year might very well be my favorite B-Fest in my 6 year history of attending. The line-up was fun and balanced, the ancillary activities were splendid and the timing couldn't have been better. Even the bad parts ended up turning into chuckles a few miles down the road. I reconnected with friends, I met new friends and I came back better than I left. That's quite something for an event where you're forced to watch Xanadu.

Although Chad is the master of the re-cap, I'll give a slight rundown on how pre-fest events sat with me, then dive headlong into the world of step sitting, junk food and hobos on fire jokes.

Driving to Chicago with the BHODMAS is nothing short of a pleasure, except when the possibility looms larger than entertainment flickering on the lap top screen. Such was the case this year, when Chad and I left Grand Island on Wednesday night (unprecedented) to crash at Matt's house before leaving for Chicago. Through flurries and construction we traveled, narrowly interpreting landmarks correctly until we arrived at casa de Campbell for a few hours of Call of Duty 4 and Guitar Hero 3 before sleeping for...wait for it...3 hours. Then we got up and hit the road. I looked...not good. Luckily the fear of a terrifying death coupled with ham-handed attempts at Italian horror soon did the trick and we were into the Black Hole.

I remember at one point Matt looking antsy, like maybe vomit was in his future. Turns out the hole had him. So it is.

The plan was to meet up with Chad's friend Bill at the hotel, and so we did. We pulled into Evanston with enough time to hang out a tad with Bill, Telstar, OscoSean, the good Professor Mortis (Gangster Star Wars was fantastic) and Marlow before Matt and I took off to see a taping of NPR's quiz show "Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me," where we met Mo Rocca, Carl Cassel and Peter Sagal, but it was my conversation with Roy Blount Jr. I want to recount as proof that I really am Gilligan some times.

Me: Mr. Blount, I heard you on A Prairie Home Companion last week. You really had the crowd going.

RBJ: Yeah, that was a re-run.

Me: Oh. Well my wife's reading your latest book, um...um..

RBJ: Well thanks. (turns and walks away)

Back to the hotel for a good 10 hours of sleep. Given I'm the father of a three-month-old, which is tantamount to signing up for around a year of sleep deprivation, it felt REALLY good. A few of us had decided to be hard core and see a movie before B-Fest, which is sort of like eating chips before you tackle an all-you-can-eat buffet. In this case, the chips were called "Cloverfield" and they were highly enjoyable, as was the company. A little book shopping, a little chow and we were off to the McCormack Auditorium.

Here's a strange B-Fest phenomenon - the more times I attend the fest, the faster it seems to go. I remember years where the hours between 4 and 6 p.m. seemed like an eternity. This year, they seemed like a wisp of time, short and sweet. Before I knew it, the gentleman with no stage presence had taken the stage, gone over the rules and we were into "Tentacles," starring John Huston, Henry Fonda and Shelly Winter's sombrero, the one visible from space. We were in dark territory early on when the crowd went nutso over a disappearing baby, supposedly taken by the monster. By the end, when the film climaxed in hot giant squid on killer whale action, I got the feeling the crowd had either lost interest or the movie didn't make a lick of sense. Maybe both.

Now, it's probably good we address the little spat between our little group and a certain gentleman who's name I've already forgotten. This gentleman is a staple at B-Fest, as he noted a couple of times in a loud, whiny voice. I'm a fan of empathy for others, and part of me feels bad for picking on the guy, but he picked the wrong fight with the absolute worst people to make it with. His argument, boiled down to it's main points, was we were being rude for yelling and making fun of the movie. He wanted to watch the movie. We wanted to make cracks. There lies the central conflict.

Matt, to his credit, handled the yelling man with aplomb. He was rational yet firm in the face of screaming irrationality. To Telstar Man's credit, he didn't hit the guy, but verbally smacked him around pretty good. Then he went away and the fest continued.

The funny thing about this exchange is it jarred my memory.I remember B-Fest 03 when I witnessed a similar exchange, but it wasn't me on the receiving end. Strange.

But the fest continued, and we were undeterred. As it turns out, we had nothing to fear but Sean Connery himself.

B-Fest Update No. WEV

2008-01-14T09:55:00.000-08:00

God, I love Telstar. I believe the "Dennis" is going to be the first inside joke of B-Fest '08. And oh, what a joke. Subversive and adventurous, yet perfectly attuned to the sensabilities of our little tribe. Of course, after the overnight, "Dennis" is going to look like peaches and cream, I'm afraid. Zardoz alone could probably do it, but the overnight...JIGOO!

Onto the final plans, cobbled together from various e-mails, conversations and imaginings. Also, sorry I've been MIA recently, but I've had a triple whammy of car trouble, a baptism ceremony to plan and a potentially serious health condition I had to deal with in one 72-hour period. Let me say this - the phrase 'we're pretty sure it's not a tumor' has the exact opposite effect as the reassurance my health care professional intended. No fun. But this will be fun. Dennis. HA! See, I told you this would be fun.

The line-up as it stands: Chad, Matt and Mike. No Bill, to our disadvantage. Matt, your brother was interested...we might be able to make that happen if he's so inclined. If it's too late, we'll catch him some year soon. Call me selfish, but something about me likes the idea "three men, three beds." Call me old fashioned. I am currently driving the minivan (oh shit, RED LIGHT), and everything seems 10-4. It's a little smoky on account of my father-in-law, the check engine light is on but I'm told that happens all the time, and the space inside feels like an amphitheater compared to the cramped conditions to which we are accustomed. We even have the option of taking out the third seat and putting in a little table, which I'm thinking of doing.

As far as tech, Matt will be bringing his big portable DVD player again? I will be bringing my lap top for the trip to and from Omaha, just in case, so we will not be without movie. As far as Chad's tech question about the DVD player in the hotel room, I refer to Matt, since I know about as much about AV as I know about driving. Or navigating. Or stringing together coherent sentences. Either way, ask Matt. DENNIS!

My schedule works better if we leave GI between 4 and 4:30 on Thursday morning and high tail it to Chicago. We should be there in plenty of time and it's best to spare your mother the site of the three of us together for an evening. Travel wise, I figure the worst case scenario is we crash the van and suffer for hours in intense pain before we die. Slightly further down the line is we get there around 4 p.m., rush hour prohibits mass transit and Matt and I take a cab to the Chase Auditorium in DT Chicago. If we get there early enough and feel comfy with the L, we'll take it and Chad can hitch a ride to the Hali Kahiki, or take the minivan. If we take a cab, Chad can still take the minivan.

Can I count on one of you to navigate us to the hotel again? Like I said, me and directions are like fingers and car door. Also, is Cloverfield still on? What say the BHODMAS. I'm all for shopping and hanging out or going to the flick of there's a significant contingent. There's a certain twisted logic in seeing a movie before a film festival. It's hard core like fingers and car door. Motha fucka.

And there she sits. B-Fest 08 in a matter of days. 72 hours from now we'll be watching something blow up on a tiny screen piped through a big stereo system, stretching our legs, drinking some Brawndo (it's got what plants crave) and steeling our synapses for the site of Sir Connery in a red diaper and the possibility of meeting Mo Rocca or drinking rum through a straw. We'r ff to se the zard o z. Among other things.

DENNIS!

Tentacles

2008-01-11T07:22:00.000-08:00

First off, the B-Fest line up is really decent this year. I've been watching the trailers and cannot wait for - among other films - Tentacles, Zardoz, Black Samson and Empire of the Ants. Xanadu could be brilliant or crash, especially in that time slot. Godzilla Vs. Mechagodzilla will be like really good chili on a fluffy pancake.

But there's another reason I'm looking forward to the 'fest this year beyond seeing "The Creature" rise for the third time. I sort of need it this year. In fact, looking at the changes we've all undergone in 07, I think we might all be in serious need of Geek Christmas.

Not to go too much into it, but a new kid is a one-way ticket to pissed off-ville. You have far less sleep, far less money and far more responsibility. That's not to say these negatives aren't cancelled out in a grand way by the wonderment the new little creature brings, it's just to say 5 hours of sleep or less for a month will make anyone a little edgy. And their wife. Who then yells at you and you yell back at her and then the older kid cries and you have to explain to a sobbing four-year-old that sometimes mommys and daddys yell and it's OK because we love each other and why don't we go downstairs and play with your Digital Art Studio for a while? And then you get 5 hours of sleep that night and get in your car to go to work in the morning and your "Check Engine" light comes on and you take it to the dealership only to find out it's your gas cap that's not securely fastened so you feel like a giant douche and your wife yells again at the $35 it cost for a mechanic to tell you to fasten your gas cap, and you redouble your yelling efforts because you feel like a douche and then get 4 hours of sleep that night. Or something like that.

There are other hardships, if you want to call them that in the pampered life we all lead, that I'm planning to completely drop once we hit the road. I plan on bringing a lot of things to B-Fest this year, but emotional baggage will not be among them. I plan to have a good time with good friends and push my mind and body to the breaking point in the auditorium. I'm coming at this sucker with a nut cup in my pants and a Brawndo in each hand. It's got what plants crave.

By this time next week I'll be in downtown Evanston shopping, ticket in my pocket. I cannot freaking wait.

B-Fest Update No. 3

2008-01-03T12:59:00.000-08:00

What's the nerdiest thing you're doing to count down? I've got a piece of paper tucked to the back of my desk with the number of work days until B-Fest. Not the number of days. That's on my calendar. The number of WORK days. As of this writing, I'm winding down on number 10.

My point is we're close, so let's hit a few logistics.

-The hotel room is booked and the roll-away is ordered.
-The tickets to Wait...Wait are at the will call window for me and Matt, Chad will be enjoying rum through a straw at the Hali Kahiki. God speed.
-Bill is still coming, though he might not be there until Friday. Truth be told, after the fest I don't care where I sleep so long as it's flat, relatively soft and free of flickering light or douch bags playing Dungeons and Dragons behind me.
-My CD for the way down is basically done. I've also figured out what my DVD carrying case, which holds 22 DVDs, will include, though that list is likely to change several times between now and the fest.
-Skip has the tickets. Skp is the man.

Finally, and I'm just floating this here, what would it be like to leave for Omaha on Wednesday night? We'd have a jump on the black hole, we'd miss rush hour in Omaha maybe and it would allow us a good three to four hours of guitar hero before hand.

Also, has anyone's thoughts changed on Cloverfield. I'm thinking I might like to go, though I'm easily disuaded. Oh look, there's a bunny outside.

By Grabthar's Hammer, I will make it through next week. And half of the week after that!

B-Fest Update No. 2

2007-12-18T10:28:00.002-08:00

We've got the mini-van, tickets are secure (while we hold our breath on the money) and we look to be set in terms of plans. So instead of diving into the minutia of B-Fest planning, I want to write a little bit about B-Fest.

Have you been to the B-Fest site recently? They have an FAQ that's adequate in terms of nuts and bolts, but woefully lacking in terms of practical advice for surviving B-Fest. For example, the first time Chad went to the fest, he actually thought you couldn't bring food into the auditorium! HA!

I've come up with 10 pieces of advice, many of which I hope to follow in a month or so.

10. Reading the line-up doesn't help - we all go in cold. Even if you're familiar with the films and have seen them repeatedly, there's no way of knowing just how the fest audience will take a particular film. "The Apple," might have broken you in your living room, but at the fest, it's a party. Coffee may seem decent at home, at the fest, it's transcendent. One would think Zardoz, complete with a saggy Sean Connery in a wedding gown, is going to soar, but the fest may not abide. The mood of the fest shifts and melts like Robert Patrick at the end of Terminator 2. You can never enter the same way twice and you must leave in a different route than you came. All you have is instinct, and even then...you just don't.

9. Stay away from the guy with his own giant bug movie.

8. Take time for conversation. Yes, you can prove you've got a metal ass, but wouldn't it be more fun to take a spin and see the sleeping wimps, watch the bloggers at their craft and engage in conversations you can't have anywhere else? It doesn't have to be long, but sit and talk. It's like stopping to smell the daisies before Godzilla tramps on them.

7. Establish home base early. Why do you think the vets rush the auditorium while the noobs hang back? In hour 10-18 of the fest, before the giant love fest of survivors begins, territory can be a precious thing. Coats and bags, snacks and cups, all need to be utilized to dictate to others exactly where you are and where you plan to return to. Also, it's important to choose your seating carefully. The wrong people behind you can turn an experience into an ordeal.

6. Don't leave. Don't go back to the hotel for four hours to sleep, don't go somewhere else for ribs...just don't. Part of the appeal is living 1/365th of the year in the confines of the student center and nowhere else. The space really is benign, thank God, as strong architecture might drive you insane. But endure, in the building, unless it catches fire. It's part of the experience. Fresh air is overrated.

5. Dairy can help. The past two years, come hour 18 or so when I hit my second wall, a well placed cup of yogurt or stick of string cheese has vaulted me over the hump and onto the last feature.

4. Cheer during the following moments: -when the lights go down the first time -when the name Edward D. Wood Jr. appear on screen -the first time the dummy is thrown from stage right -the first time the wheel rolls across the floor -during "The Wizard of Speed and Time" -the first time the paper plates go up -after skits, no matter how lame -after the first USA chant -any time, and I mean any time Chuck Norris appears on screen.

3. Don't get your hopes up too high during the drawing. 400 and...400 and...400 and...

2. Buy a copy of the B-Fest album from Tim. Seek him out. If he wants money, pay it. Tip him, maybe. The mixing alone is usually worth it.

1. Geek out. Wear your nerdiest shirt. Don't comb your hair. Got an idea for a skit that seems great at the time? This is the time. All year we bite our tongues at times, do things that sting for a second because it goes contrary to who we are. At the fest, we are who we are, and people will take that or leave it. Mostly they'll take it, because we're freaks watching freaks in a freak environment. Revel in it, soak in it, breathe in the nerd funk and feel good about it. This is unlike any other time of the year.

B-Fest Update Number 1

2007-12-03T08:58:00.000-08:00

Can they top Sean Connery in a wedding dress? Maybe.

Will they? We'll know in about 72 hours if A&O has their shit together.

So preparations begin in earnest for 2008, a mere 45 days away from the time of this post. And by preparation, I mean geekery to rival the collective line waiting to catch a glimpse of Billy West at a comic book convention. Geekery that would embarass Jonah Goldberg. Geekery that if you re-focused it and plugged it into a turbine, could power a medium-sized Midwestern city. Rich, geekery butter. That sort of geekery.

Lets get to it.

B-FEST UPDATE NUMBER 1

First thing's first: Chad, I presume B-Fest money is away to Skip. TELL ME THE MONEY IS AWAY! DAMN YOU PLAMBECK, WE GAVE YOU ONE...no...I won't say it. You don't deserve it. God knows it's been a rough year. It's just...never mind. No, I'm not mad. No, I'm fine. I'm not pouting. Listen, I'm not mad, I'm happy, OK? Well, how the hell do you know what I look like when I'm happy? God...just leave it...fine. Fine. OK. Yeah, I love you too.

What's different this year? It's not like we don't have this down. It's not like any surprises lie around the corner. What could possibly warrant preparation so far out? I'll tell you.

DIFFERENCE NO. 1 - I've got my mother-in-law's minivan on hold for the trip, meaning we'll actually have places to put things if we want. There's also a back seat to sleep off Dorito benders, and a fairly decent chance it will get us there and back. Fairly decent. Like, 85 percent. We'll get it looked at.

DIFFERENCE NO. 2 - What we do when we get to Chicago is sort of open-ended, isn't it? We have invites to "Cloverfield" and pancakes on the 18th (I like the pancakes, not so much the J.J. Abrahms, though I like the idea of being on the inside of all the jokes that will undoubtedly come out of it), but I have a suggestion. It's something I'd really like to do on the 17th, but if you guys aren't into it, I understand.

Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz is filming at the Chase Auditorium in downtown Chicago from 7:30 to 9:30 on the 17th. They haven't announced the line-up yet, but I love that show and would really dig going, and it would still leave that Friday before the fest open. It might be tough to get to the hotel, drop the stuff off and then make it to the Chase Auditorium, but I bet we could meet up with the BMMBers after the show at around 11-ish.

DIFFERENCE NO. 3 - We are NOT sponsoring a movie, but if this year has taught us anything, it's that we don't know how many more whirls we all have on this crazy old B-Fest train, do we? To that end, I propose a skit. I don't know what and I don't know when but I say we make an effort to make the most out of this B-Fest. I'm going to do a few covert things to help my enjoyment of the fest, but I want to be in a skit. That will be easier to figure out after A&O announces the damn line up, but let's be thinking. It doesn't have to be a monkey suit, but some prep would be great.

DIFFERENCE NO. 4 - Is anything else different? Chad, are you getting the hotel and Matt and I are spotting you a tank of gas? Is that still cool? Does anyone else have any special needs, because the BHODMAS is nothing if not accommodating.

Last thing. I like thinking about B-Fest, so here's my B-Fest Update Moment of the...Update...Moment...(crickets chirping)...Number 1

I've been e-mailing some people for a few weeks now about movies in general, and one of them asked me what's the "damnedest thing" I've ever seen on screen. I immediately excluded porn, and told them it had to be a tie between"

-Watching a full-fledged unironic break dance-off erupt at a screening of "Breakin' 2" in 2005 (that's right, isn't it?)
-Watching Alice in Wonderland in a group
-Being lied to by the opening credits of "The Brain That Wouldn't Die"
-All of Mac & Me

The point is I had many more I could throw out there that very few others will ever see or experience. It's a good time and it's time to get ramped up.

Now pardon me, I'm going to go pout in the corner.

Observational Distress

2007-09-22T21:17:00.000-07:00

I wanted to write something tonight and since it's non-movie related and my options were somewhat limited, here I am. Sorry this blog has completely lost it's purpose.

I attended a "Siblings Class" with my wife and daughter today. The purpose of the class is to prepare little people for the arrival of even littler people, and it was attended by about five families. They walked us through the rooms, used clinical terms for the parts "inside mommy" and took pictures of the new siblings to put in the crib of the "child on the way." Given the class was aimed at a 5-year-old audience, I had plenty of time to scan the room.

Two observations really kind of stuck with me. The first was when the class facilitator took a baby from the nursery and showed it to the little kids. This baby was pissed off like Jack Nicholson in traffic, screaming, eyes shut, with that look that only a baby can get away with that says "I'm not going to stop crying for any reason. You can't make this better."

I remember that look and I remember having conversations with other parents about how that look and the accompanying hours of crying can cut away at even the most steeley resolves. One friend in particular told me "I now know why parents beat their children." This might sound like the worst sentiment in the world, but it's true. When a baby wears you down to where you're sitting in a chair, holding the crying kid, crying yourself because there's no way you can sooth this child, and the realization strips you of all you have to hold onto about yourself as a parent, that can be a pretty harrowing moment. The consolation prize is...what's you're option at that point? Move on. That's it.

But the second observation was far more fun. Women, and I'm sure most will admit this, are fairly uncomfortable, hormonal and short tempered during the final stage of their pregnancy. My wife hasn't been so bad, but that's like saying "that mauling from that Wolverine was a pretty soft mauling." Good or bad, you're going to bleed a little bit.

What was fun to see was the sort of "thousand yard stare" every single man in that room shared. Each guy was going through a rough patch and you could see it in their body language, their lack of motivation and the way they held themselves. Brothers of the pissy, pregnant wives, unite!

Anyway...I've purged.

The What

2007-06-19T19:57:00.000-07:00

The invitations are out. No turning back now.

The thing about the invitations is there isn't a lot of room to really explain what it is you're doing, so in the next few posts I figured explain a little more about the core questions - the whos and whats and whys of this conceded little enterprise of mine.

So tonight, it's the "what." If you show up to The Grand Theater around 9 p.m. on Saturday, Aug. 11, what can you expect?

For starters, my sister Katie has been kind enough to agree to tend bar. I have a tentative OK from the Grand folks to set up a small bar in the concession stand, with a few free drinks and my own home brew as the offerings. We'll have music playing through the cavernous and gorgeous old auditorium of The Grand. Whether or not it's live music is still something I'm trying to nail down, but there will be something.

If you've never been to The Grand, check out www.grandmovietheater.com. The story of this theater is remarkable - a few business owners who hated to see a historic theater die poured their sweat and passion into the project, and their success has both been well deserved and well beyond what anyone had hoped. The Grand Theater Board are an inspiration and I'm humbled at the venue, even if it is as intimidating as hell.

The show will consist of four parts. Part one - Chad Plambeck, our MC will come out and talk a bit about this experiment. He'll probably call me some names, which will be well deserved. Part 2 - Omaha's own Matt Campbell, a very smart and funny man, will take the stage for 20 minutes or so. On to part thee, I will do about 45 minutes of stand up, followed by part four, socializing to live or canned music, depending on who I can find.

The whole affair, with any luck, should wind down around 11 p.m. - midnight.

I'll get to the "why" in another post, but I do want to express grattitude that I have friends and family who would a) get a kick out of this and b) actually make an effort to attend. It makes me feel brave enough to give this a shot.

The Comedy Show

2007-06-12T20:03:00.000-07:00

A few things need to be explained right up front.

Here's the first one: The person writing this post is Mike, not Matt. The reason? Mike isn't smart enough to separate his work Blogger account with his personal Blogger account, so when he changes jobs, the one blended account suddenly becomes...OK I completely forgot what the log in is. Completely. I've spent about an hour trying different combos, and nothing. I can't even hack my own head. So I, Mike, and stealing Matt's account. Thanks, buddy.

The second thing - if you're reading this post you probably received an invitation to the Mike's 30th birthday party Aug. 11 at The Grand Theater in beautiful downtown Grand Island (and if you haven't received one, go ahead and ask. He's easy that way). And, chances are pretty good you've thought to yourself, "wow, what a conceded thing to do for your birthday," to which there is really no defense. I'm throwing myself a party so I can get enough people in one place to listen to me attempt stand-up comedy. It's pretty big headed of me, if you think about it.

But here's the thing: If "milestone" birthdays are about anything, it's about taking stock, right? You look at what have you done, what do you want to do, that sort of thing. You come to grips with this new station in your life and you move forward. In the "taking stock" process, I realized how much I've wanted to do this, how much I want this under my belt. I also realized, this isn't something a lot of people get to do, and I have a lot of people in my life who might support me in this type of ego-centric activity. That's a self-deprecating way of saying I really like you people and appreciate you being down with this.

Now, I have no plans of quitting my job and hitting the road as a stand-up after Aug. 11. In fact, I'd like to start tempering expectations right now. I probably won't be brilliant or ground breaking, and that's fine. What I will do is bust my hump to make sure everyone has a good time. I think, aside from an amazing act of egotism, this could be a really fun party.

That's my ramble. Now if you're interested more in the mechanics (the when, the where, more on the why), I'll be posting again soon. Under the name Hiro Protaganist. Which isn't my name.

Thanks and check back. I'm really looking forward to this.

Mike

B-Fest Wrap Up 3

2007-02-10T19:26:00.000-08:00

Back to it.

STREET TRASH:

By this time, I'm getting my ass kicked. Savage Sisters caught me with a couple of jabs, but nothing I couldn't fight through. Then "Invasion of the Star Creatures" was a 750 lb. wrecking ball swing which caught me square in the head. I wasn't doing well.

Which brings us to Street Trash, a Troma movie without all that humor and basic goodwill. The premise: a bunch of hobos buy some toxic cheap booze which turns them into flourescent piles of goo in somewhat spectacular fashion. If it had been a cheap "who's going to melt next" movie, I could have bought the charm of what I saw. After the homeless gang rape followed by morbidly obese necrofelia, it kind of lost me.

Man, this movie was mean. I don't usually care if a movie has excessive amounts of swearing, sex or violence, but "Street Trash" just struck me as filthy, from the legitimately dirty people (not all of them, but the owner of the chop shop is a good example) to the bad taste in which every little moment was perpetuated. I left to sleep it off after about 2/3ds of the flick, and apparently I missed the best part where everyone explodes like the Fourth of July. If I watched it again, it might strike me differently, but I wished they would have stuck with the goo.

Final thought: If the point of "Street Trash" was to titilate, it failed with me. In fact, I'm pretty sure my primary and secondary sex characteristics retreated into my body after 20 minutes of this movie.

THE HYPNOTIC EYE:
A piece of advice: Don't fall asleep during a movie which involves an elaborate strobe light effect.

After sleeping off "Street Trash" in the lobby, I dove back into the theater for the first part of "The Hypnotic Eye," and ended up bunking on the floor about the first time THE EYE made an appearance. The strobe seriosuly freaked me out, and strangely, by the time I woke up for the finale, I didn't feel like I had missed anything. Then again, I wouldn't have been surprised if I had robbed a bank or committed a murder under the terrible influence of The Hypnotic Eye.

Final Thought: If I were the hypnotist in this movie, I would have instructed my minions to lie better. Every time someone under hypnosis was asked to lie their stories unraveled like a cheap sweater. I lied better on the floor under three seats using a bag or Doritos as a pillow.

KRULL:

I'm convinced that, in years to come, Krull will become the stuff of B-Fest legend. Let me set the stage.

For about an hour, we're dealt line upon line of mystic mumbo jumo as to why the barely bearded model-looking guy has to rescue the princess from the Society For Creative Enacronisms. At one point, we're presented "Thunder Horses" or "Fire Horses" or some sort of horse that runs fast and creates flames like the Delorian from "Back to the Future." They run in and carry our heros to the final battle with the badly rendered baddie. But just as the scene in the fortress begins to ramp up, the movie breaks and cuts back about half an hour.

See, the Thunder Horses and the quest to find them was about 20 minutes of the movie. Now, Krull would have functioned fine without the 20 minute exposition on these particular equine, and easily could have lost the subplot about the old guy winding through a giant spider web to find the old blind woman who could lead him to the Fire Horses only to die right before he summoned them, but no, Krull included it. So we had to back up.

It was a singular joy to see the reels mixed up like that, and it was the only significant aspect of this otherwise ho hum entry. There were a couple of good jokes, but man, fantasy films can be tedious. This one felt like it went on forever, but there was nothing terribly wrong with it.

Final Thought: My favorite part in the movie was when our hero reached into molten lava to get the mystic five-sidded boomerang. No one bothered to explain why the hero could put his hand in molten lava with no ill effects, but whatever, look at the cool toy.

TARANTULA:

Now THIS is a B-Fest entry. John Agar, giant spiders, long extended patches of nothing followed by the whole sale slaughter of livestock. Yeah, this is what we like.

Again, Agar spends at least a third of the movie courting a girl who happens to be living with a scientist who pumps animals full of a serum that makes them huge. You hoot when the spider shows up, you blanch when Agar finally gets some lip action, you power through the dull parts with quips and it ends abruptly with a burning spider in the background. I can't think of a better way to spend a Saturday morning.

Final Thought: Agar's method involves wearing women down, which is why we get to see so much of his dating technique. It takes five or six encounters for them to even slightly warm to the big lug, and we're privy to every step.

TEENAGE DOLL:
Ahh, our movie. The movie we were responsible for. The one we co-paid for. The one two fo us had never seen. The one that really had no point. The one that included an increasingly strange father-daughter relationship, the woman who bore a striking resemblance to Olive Oil, chase scenes in high heels, a sort of rumble and a resolution worthy of a Hallmark Greeting Card.

I'll be the first to admit this movie wasn't cinematic dynamite, but as Chad put it half way through, "It's a Coreman film, you expected something to happen?" Basically a good girl gets in a cat fight and kills a member of an all-female gang who guns for her. She seeks solace in the arms of another street thug who goes on and on about thug philosophy like he's in an Ayn Rand novel. Then it ends.

Say what you will about this mediocre entry (Hot Rods to Hell would have been more fun, so I'm told) but it was a fantastic kick to see our logo up there. I swelled with pride.

Gotta go. I'll finish this up later.

B-Fest Wrap Up 2

2007-02-08T19:34:00.001-08:00

When you've come to B-Fest before, the routine kicks in pretty quick: You drop your stuff off in seats, wait for them to kick you out, stand in line, grab the swag, take your reserved seat and wait for the crap to begin. In this case, you wait, and then wait a little big more, but I'll get to that in a second.

Before I start, I want to make an admission: When talking about B-movies, I'm on the B team. I know a few actors and movies but most who come to B-Fest know a hell of a lot more about B-movies than I do. I'm about to put this on display.

In order to avoid stealing any sort of ratings system, I'm going to put a final thought on the bottom of each synopsis. I chalk it up to watching Jerry Springer for the first time in 5 years or so the morning before.

THE BRAIN THAT WOULDN'T DIE:

Before the flicks begin, Wyatt gets up and gives the best piece of news I've ever heard:

Wyatt: We are in the process of getting the heat turned down and the air conditioning turned up.

God bless you A&O. I've been in the isles during years where B-Fest seemed more like an experiment in olfactory overload because of the heat. Add yeast, some years, and you'd have they mystery booze from "Street Trash." Anyway, it's good news and the three of us put in a good natured chant of "murder, murder" before things get fired up.

The fest kicks off in inauspicious fashion as the lights go dark, the crowd lifts their voices and we're treated to the word BRAIN way to big on the screen. Then the familiar sound of a projector dying fills the auditorium, and the lights go back up.

B-Fest.Woooo!

What's great about the near-death of a movie so early on is it supplies us all with hope. To be honest, it was this hope that got me through a movie later on.

Anyway, "The Brain That Wouldn't Die," is a classic in the B-movie world. Jason Evers takes his fiancee on a drive, only to wreck the car for no particular reason, grab her (apparently) severed head from the ashes, stuff it in his coat and jog about three miles back to his lab where he proceeds to keep the head alive. He then begins trolling for a body while his fiancee gets more and more bitter, eventually scheming with a big monster behind a door of the lab.

The best part of this movie was the ending, where the monster finally, finally comes through the door only to have the film melt down again, at which point Josh asks "can you imagine how bad Hot Rods To Hell must have been?" He has an interesting point. Tim and a friend quickly re-enact the ending on stage to thunderous applause.

Final thought: Sitting through a movie for 80 minutes only to see have the film break just as the monster appears is the cinematic equivalent of blue balls. That, and it's really more "The Head That Wouldn't Die," which might have gotten more men in the theater.

THE BEASTMASTER:

Ladies and gentleman, let's get ready to MEAAAAANERRRRRRR!

Gawd this movie can't pick a tone, path or mission. Marc Singer, in all his oiled up glory, starts off as a villager who likes animals and ends up on top of a pyramid sacrificing a ferret in order to kill Rip Torn. In the meantime, he befriends fleshy creatures who deliver a hug that sucks all the flesh off of bones, has a sword fight with a guy in the middle of a forest fire, almost drowns in quick sand, runs around a dungeon and sort of kind of romances a boosemy Tonya Roberts.

In reality, this isn't a terrible movie and as a rule I like Don Coscerelli, but you know you're in trouble when ferrets get the biggest round of applause. It's also hard to take anyone seriously who spends 90 minutes shirtless and oiled up unless you're a stripper, and even then, 90 minutes is a little long.

Final Thought: Marc Singer controls birds, ferrets, a panther and that's about it. Only one of those animals I would even remotely classify as a beast, but I'll be the first to admit "The Animal Master" sounds dirty for some reason.

MYSTERY SHORT:

We were treated after to "Flip The Frog Buys A Car," which Chad lamented wasn't toon porn just about the time the anthropomorphic car put on lip stick and got drunk. From my digi:

Mike: The car is drunk

Chad: Now it's sober

Mike: Now it's drunk again.

Classic cartoons usually have this minorly subversive feel to them and "Flip" was no different.

REVENGE OF THE CREATURE:

This film is 82 minutes long, 70 or so of which is John Agar showing us all how he courts a lady. Agar and his girl go to dinner, the frolic in the water, they exchange awkward conversations in an aquarium hallway, and oh yeah the Creature From the Black Lagoon goes on a rampage. The 3-D was fantastic, which made the dating pop right off the screen. If there had been any sparks, we would have been singed.

I guess I've seen so many "nature gone wild" movies, it fails to even register anymore. Yeah yeah, man is paying for his insolence, is anything else on? Still, this movie has it's charm, most of which has to do with alcoholism jokes anytime Agar takes a sip of anything.

Final Thought: For the life of me, I can't remember how this movie ends. The last thing I remember is Agar swimming with his girlfriend.

WIZARD OF SPEED AND TIME:

I don't partake this year, for no particular reason. The sound doesn't work, which made the noise from the audience participation portion all the funnier.

PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE

I ducked for most of this one, but I have noticed how the audience participation has organically evolved over the years. Since I started coming to the fest, they've added "hot" whenever Vampira is on screen, started yelling "what" when Tor talks, and started making cautionary noises when the detectives wave their guns around.

Final Thought: Insert obligatory "for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives" joke here.

MYSTERY SHORT 2:

Govat involves two French little people fighting over a chair. From my digi

Chad: Govat is French, and lasts about 6 hours, and is French and I don't get it.

Matt: Um...uh

Chad: Yeah, that's about right.

SAVAGE SISTERS:

The pain begins. "Savage Sisters" is the only film I can think of that somehow show horns multiple genital torture and mutilation with the slapstick sensibilities of an episode of Three's Company. It involves three woman, thrown together by a casual aquatinenship, who along with their hustler friend whose fond of bikini briefs, get revenge on Sid Haig in a sombrero and his sidekick Butt Crack.

I hated this movie so much. At one point I turned to Chad and said this was one of the top five worst movies I've ever seen at the fest, only to have it knocked out of the top five by one movie that takes up 30 of those places in about an hour. Savage Sisters makes three principal mistakes.

1) It assumes, incorrectly, that the female breast should be covered at all times under all circumstances which include, but are not limited to, showering, sex and topless beaches.

2) It also assumes, incorrectly, in place of naked breasts the principal audience is much more interested in men ham handedly seducing women while in their underwear. In fact, I saw more men in their underwear in this movie than I've seen in my actual life. This isn't an exaggeration.

3) Sid Haig is cool enough without talking like Frito Bandito, though without him I would have set fire to the screen or myself.

Or, as Chad put it, this is the first ambiguously gay women in prison movie ever made.

Final thought: You have to respect a man who has sex with three women, works out before and after each encounter and still has the ware with all to misuse almost every piece of slang popularized in the 70s.

INVASION OF THE STAR CREATURES:

Comedy is based on one of two things: a misdirection or other people's pain. Either the chicken crosses the road to get to the other side, or Johnny Knoxville gets hit in the nuts. All humor grows from those fertile trees.

Invasion of the Star Creatures, sweet Lord, is a 60s attempt at a goofball comedy. Every bit of humor, with only two exceptions I was able to identify, stem from typical comedic material. Basically it's 17 hours of two guys mugging. Painfully. And each time they mug for the camera, which is once a second or so, it adds to the unfunny. By the end, you have a pile of unfunny the size of Mt. Fiji, and pain I haven't felt since my wife backed over my foot with the car.

It seems straight forward why and how this movie earns its scorn, but I assure you, there is no way to accurately describe how much I despised this movie. In the first five minutes I wanted to hurt the two leads. After 10 minutes of their shtick, I wished ill on their families. The fifth time they pulled a gag where they ran through a series of caves like some Benny Hill from hell, I was physically nauseous. But the time the leads visited an Indian camp or some other sort of contrivance that allowed a white guy to don a head dress and go "hey ya ya ya hey ya ya ya," I needed to leave. Not wanted to, needed to.

Notice I didn't bother with the plot. Neither did the writers.

Final Thought: I'd rather rip my dick off and throw it in the river than ever watch that again.

And, on that note, STAY TUNED FOR PART 3

B-Fest Wrap Up, Part 1

2007-02-08T19:34:00.000-08:00

I'll admit right off the bat to possessing no originality. Chad, the master B-movie man, will grace us all with his write up soon enough on his oh so aptly named "Inevitable Disasters" blog, but to share pictures and perspectives, I'll do my own wrap up in three parts: Getting there, the fest and getting back. Original, no. A chance for me to write with no one bitching at me? Probably.

GETTING THERE:

This is my fifth fest, and as you can see from the entries below, I was a tad bit excited for the festivities this year. B-Fest has always saved me from the post-Christmas let-down. It's almost more fun looking forward to something than actually going, and B-Fest has consistently been one of those rare instances where whatever hype I can build in my head usually lives up to what happens in the oasis of Evanston.

Before we go much further, I'm going to steal a phrase from Telstar Man about B-Fest being "geek Christmas" and expound. For me, it's not just Geek Christmas, but a chance to let the geek out. You can dress oddly, throw professionalism to the wind, drink, make jokes at the aquarium, and cheer when "The Brain That Wouldn't Die" starts. Keeping this in mind, I didn't waste any time after waking up at 4 a.m., showering and hitting the road to Chad's place, a scant 12 blocks away.

Transcribed from my Digi:
Mike: I'm on my way to Chad's, and there's some sort of crunchy piano concerto on the radio. It's...OK, let's get the geek flowing here...I feel like a Star Ship captain. It's pitch black, the dark classical music is blasting and I feel like I'm going on an adventure.

See? Not just geeky, really really geeky. Comparing myself to a Star Trek character geeky. Welcome to the one time of the year where that feels gooooood.

I pick up Chad and begin with my little experiment to ask folks what their first B-movie experience was and what they're looking forward to at the fest. Chad mentioned "Killdozer" as the movie that gently but firmly took him by the waist and introduced him to B-movie pleasures. We loaded up, which didn't take long and went off to Omaha, watching the MST3K episode of "The Pod People" on the way. Trumpy, you can do magic things!

Before we go further it's important to note we sponsored a movie this year, which was an adventure in and of itself. The event organizer, Wyatt Olestad, contacted me a week before the event and told us "Hot Rods To Hell," the movie we wanted, was "Unwatchable" (which I could have told you, but apparently it had something to do with the print), and we needed to sponsor another movie, the Roger Coreman snoozer "Teenage Doll."

IN order to sponsor a movie you should probably make a transparency of your "group," which I underwent many an odd look in order to obtain. So proud, was I, of these transparencies that when we hit Omaha I promptly left them in Matt's living room. We were 200 miles down the road and half way through a movie when I came to that realization.

On the way down, we watched what might be the greatest double feature accidentally conceived: Mike Judge's "Idiocracy" followed by "Jackass 2." We have a movie about the decline of civilization and the perils of not thinking followed by a movie that leads the way into that decline, yet still graphically illustrates the perils of not thinking. At one point, Chad thought he felt "the big one," in the form of stroke coming on, probably after the scene where the little guy and the big guy tie themselves to each end of a bungee chord and jump.

After forgetting the transparencies we devised a plan: Matt's mother would fax an image, and we would make a transparency there, which pretty much worked. Kind of. Back to the trip.

For the past three years we've stopped at a particular McDonalds in Iowa City (Coralville to be precise), with a god-awful piece of folk art on it. It's been overly described, but let's say it's taken on legendary status among the three of us. So we looked for the exit, and looked for the exit as Iowa City flew past our windows. When we were 20 miles outside of Iowa City, we figured we had missed it.

Now here's where the geek thing begins to manifest. There are at least three other McDonalds locations between Coralville and 20 miles outside of Iowa City, but we didn't want THOSE McDonalds, we wanted OUR McDonalds. What else could we do but turn around.

It took us three tries to find "He Who Walks Between The Arches" who we had convinced ourselves we had angered, probably by forgetting the transparencies (I had ONE JOB). To rectify things, Matt bought a cheeseburger and sacrificed it on the alter of the God of the Black Hole. The rest of the trip went without incident, unless you count the actual viewing of Mondo Carne when we hit Chicago proper.

Once in lovely Evanston we checked into the hotel, which has this odd time displacement phenomenon of its own. The second I set foot in the joint, it feels as if we've never left.

We checked in, freshened up as much as three large gentleman can freshen up after being in a car with each other for 12 hours, and went downstairs to check on the BMMB. Now, I always feel somewhat guilty for not posting on the BMMB more frequently, because in person each and every one of these guys and girls are a blast and a half. Josh welcomed us and we made plans. But first...the transparency.

Matt and I trek through the ball-shrinking Illinois cold to a Kinkos. Nice, friendly Kinkos. We went in and asked the clerk how to make a transparency. She was a nice lady. Clueless as a NASCAR fan at a Beckett play, but nice. We struggle with the machines, consulting instruction manuals and cursing like sailors until we give up. We then find another printing place a block down and 2 and a half minutes and $1.25 later, we have our transparency.

The BMMB, many of whom I don't know, hit the Seafood Buffet (Here's Microwave!) and then the Hali Kahiki where Matt and El Santo have a dispute about the jukebox and Chad has the unfortunate experience of being sucked into an argument about breastfeeding. He looked, at one point, as if a cat had jumped up onto the table and begun to sign opera.

We leave, pass on a party to watch bad movies, pop the NyQuil, stuff in the ear plugs and hit the sack.

Morning is quick, we do some shopping at Barnes and Noble where I, quite ironically, ask the clerk about a book called "MisSpeak" which he can't find. Later I found out the book I was looking for was actually called "Unspeak."

We then drove through a building to visit the Shedd Aquarium (construction made for some pretty awful detours) before the fest.

From my digi:

Mike: Matt, describe what's happening now.
Matt: Well, we're literally driving through a building, it's about 30 feet by 20 feet tall, and we're not entirely sure where we are.
Chad: We gave you ONE JOB, Mike!

We saw one fish (with a really long nose), two fish (dolphins doing flips), red fish (more orangish red, but whatever) and blue fish. Some were red, some were blue, some were old (like, the oldest in captivity) and some were new. Not one of them was like another. Don't ask me why, go ask your mother.

We arrived at the Norris Auditorium about three hours before the fest.

PART 2 COMING SOON

2007-01-20T21:24:00.000-08:00

By now, you've read several anecdotal accounts of people within the Black Hole of Des Moines, and seen recovered documents from those who claim to "appreciate" this most unusual phenomenon. You may have even noticed unusual photographs, and the even more unusual reactions to those photos. But to this point, precious little has been written about the Black Hole Itself. What is it, and why Des Moines? Why does it have these curious effects on otherwise perfectly ordinary people?
The fact is, there are few concrete answers with regards to the Black Hole of Des Moines. It cannot even be said to have a specific location. East-bound travelers have reported experiencing the Black Hole while on the east side of the Iowa city of Des Moines, and have claimed effects lasting as far as Iowa City, and even beyond. West-bound pilgrims, on the other hand, claim that the Black Hole begins at Des Moines, but extends westward, in some cases even as far west as Omaha, Nebraska.
Effects of the Hole are likewise difficult to pinpoint. Reliable observers have noted profound effects on both space and time. In addition to the anecdotal evidence already recounted on this blog, this writer has observed that over an hour of travel in the Black Hole produces a net distance traveled of minus thirty miles. In other words, while seeming to move forward, the vehicle actually moved backwards.
A far less frequent phenomenon, but one just as disturbing, is what has been called the "Fast Forward Effect." Experts, some on the same section of highway where previous records indicate the above negative travel, have experienced this fast forward, wherein distances traveled are far greater than the time would seem to indicate.
While the Hole itself is difficult to pin down, there is one entity within the Hole that is all too readily encountered. Though nameless, and thus far unexplained by any human science, HE WHO WALKS BETWEEN THE ARCHES has terrified countless wanderers within the hole. Those who have encountered this Lovecraftian horror speak about it in hushed tones, if indeed they speak of it at all. Taking the physical appearance of Ronald McDonald, HE WHO WALKS BETWEEN THE ARCHES seems to stand guard over a McDonald's restaurant roughly a mile south of Interstate 80 in Iowa City, Iowa. His visage is menacing, promising eternal damnation to those unable to escape the Black Hole Of Des Moines. Many have turned to offering sacrifice to the towering tree that seems to contain the essence of HE WHO WALKS BETWEEN THE ARCHES, though the effectiveness of such sacrifices--like so much else relating to the Black Hole of Des Moines--has yet to be proven.
One intrepid explorer was able to capture a handful of images of HE WHO WALKS BETWEEN THE ARCHES. Parents and those with weak constitutions should use discretion.

Shortly after sending these photos by email, the photographer disappeared, and, along with the unfortunate soul pictured, has not been heard from again.
Nevertheless, study of the Black Hole of Des Moines will continue, and results reported herein.

B-Fest Update No. 6

2007-01-16T10:38:00.000-08:00

Who is this vile creature who has an unsatiable love for the dead? B-Fest Update No. 6!

Whew. When I agreed to 8 of these things, I knew I was overreaching, as I tend to do because I suck. But there continues to be news, which doesn’t suck, even though I continue to suck. So in a way, it doesn’t suck at all. Why am I flashing back to my Freshman year of college? Anyway...

-I am in position of our 2004 Buick LaSabre as of today, eight whole days before we need it. If you remember from last year it’s roomy, but the Serius Radio is gone and the car has an odd squeak when it first starts up. I’m told not to worry about it as a mechanic has looked at it and said ‘don’t worry.’
“If you break down somewhere in Illinois, let me know because I’m going to go kick some ass,” my father said on the subject. That’s good enough for me.

-The transparencies are in and they are glorious. I ordered four, as that was the lowest number I could order and have CopyCat do the job, so we each get one as a keepsake. Seriously, they’re great, and a keepsake you probably won’t find in stores.

-I’ve e-mailed Brittney Wiley, our contact at the Shedd. She usually takes about a week to respond so we’ll hear soon enough, though my wife has e-mailed her and is fairly confident the 5 tickets are set. They have Dolphins and Sharks according to www.sheddaquarium.org. I like Dolphins.

-I have a new scheme this year, tell me what you think. After each movie or short ends, I’m going to make a comment in my voice recorder. Hopefully by the end, we’ll be able to overcome that whole “what shorts were there again?” problem and get a good laugh before I careen us off the road on the way home. BTW, Chad, did you ever finish your B-Fest 06 wrap up on 3B Theater? I went there and I think it’s missing the last page, or the last page never materialized. I’ve been reading the old ones, remembering B-Fests gone by and smiling a whole lot.

Odds and Ends
-If I can be personal, how much money are y’all bringing? If it’s significantly higher than my amount I might be able to talk Sarah into selling my child’s savings bonds for college or something.
-Is it still just the three of us for the Shedd on Friday?
-I noticed on the BMMB the moderator wanted a head count. Why?
-Why does Snoop Dog need an umbrella? Fo’ Drizzle.
-Again with the schedule: We leave GI around 4:30, in Omaha by 7 or so, Iowa City for lunch, Black Hole willing, and onto Evanston by late afternoon. Nerd Funk Ho!!

8 Days, not counting today and Thursday, and counting. Oh boy are we counting.

B-Fest Update No. 5

2007-01-10T11:33:00.000-08:00

They’ve black. They’re bold. They’ve got a plan against The Man. They’re reading B-Fest Update No. 5!

Gents, the good news keeps on rolling, and this week it’s of a humorous variety. First, our weekly update from Wyatt:

Mike

Sounds good on the transparency.

Yes, you will have two sponsor tickets, and 1 general admission on reserve.

Also, your first sponsorship check finally turned up in my mailbox today.
I'll be sure to shred it.

Maybe the Black Hole got it.

Wyatt

Can you beat that with a stick? That Wyatt, what a cut up.

So, during the sold out fest, our tickets are secure. The transparency, I’ll inquire about later this week, as I think CopyCat Printing here in town could get that done, and I know a couple of people down there. Update pending.

Good news item number 2. A week from Thursday (Jan. 18) my father will be dropping off the car, so Chad and Mike can drive straight through to Omaha. I’m thinking I’ll be at Chad’s front door between 4:30 and 5 a.m., closer to 4:30 I’d guess. That puts us in Omaha around 7, through Des Moines at 9:30 or so, and then all bets are off. With any luck we can hit the McDonalds in Iowa City by lunch time, wolf down our food lest we are tied to the Ronald statue and sacrificed, and be in Chicago late afternoon-ish.

At that point we’ll hook up with the BMMB (those who could make it) and we’ll be set. I’m bringing a bunch of movies (the DVD case I got for Christmas holds 24), charging up the battery and working, again, on a “special” piece of entertainment I hope comes in. Fingers crossed. Hint: It’s not “Ultimate Sluts.”

A couple of other modern items
-I’m a moron. On Chad’s fantastic graphic, the address to TBHODMAS isn’t listed. No reason to change what we’re doing. Sorry I brought it up.
-I e-mailed my contact at the Shedd and she was interested in knowing when we’d be coming through. I told her late morning, like 11:30 or noon, though that’s not set in stone.
-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Af1OxkFOK18&eurl= Notice the chainsaw and the book that looks a little familiar in the background. BTW, after I saw this commercial I went out and spent $4.36 on Old Spice Body Wash. When Sarah asked me why, I said “Because Bruce Campbell told me to!” Seriously, what else do you need?
-Any word on who’s coming with us to Shedd? Do we need anyone else?
-Last thing. My kid has a postponed Christmas program at 4 p.m. The Sunday we get back. I know that’s a tall order to get back by 4 (last year it was about 7 I think), so I won’t ask it of you. I will, however, not be bringing the video camera. It sounds like audio, again.

‘Till next week. 15 days left. Time...ticking...closer......

B-Fest Update No. 4

2007-01-04T11:06:00.000-08:00

They were filthy. They were mean. They lived for kicks. They were reading B-FEST UPDATE NO. 4!

Let’s start with the official good news that has been perceived good news for the last couple of weeks. Take it Wyatt!

Mike

I received your contract today for B-Fest. You are now officially
confirmed as a sponsor for Hot Rods to Hell.

The last step, then, is to get me the transparency you'd like displayed
before the film. That can be either sent to me or handed in person on the
day of the Fest. Just let me know what you'd like to do.

Thanks for your sponsorship!

Wyatt

Personally, this was kind of thrilling. We’ll get in line, tickets in hand, buy a T-shirt, get a cup, pick up the program and there will be Ronald, staring back at us. Oh yeah.

The issue, now, is the transparency. I e-mailed Wyatt back and told him we would give him a transparency the day of the fest, which should be fine. Chad, are you handling that or do you need me to work my reporter magic and see who around town is capable of turning an e-mail into a transparency?

Point number 2, while I enjoy using the blog as a planning blog, do we need to start generating content for it? I’m just thinking people will log on and look at it, so it might be nice if they were met with something other than these stupid little e-mails. Just a thought, but officially, the blog will be on the B-Fest program.

So we have a car, we have a hotel, we have plans before the fest, we have tickets to the fest, we have the time off and the money saved, WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

I don’t know, but here are some things to think about.

-We’re officially three weeks away. 21 Days.
-Is the BMMB planning a Kala Kahiki run again this year? Matt has expressed interest in not going, as he has some shopping to do and we won’t have time to do it if we go to the Shedd Aquarium. On a side note, the have a statue outside the Shedd that rivals He Who Walks Between The Arches.
-We’re stopping in Iowa City for lunch, right? Cool.
-I’m starting to think planning skits is a bad idea, and I’d rather go with the flow. The only exception is if something really brilliant hits me, like Skip’s “I’m A Blonde” bit from last year. God that was funny.
-I may be bringing my video camera. Be warned.
-I would like to encourage bringing odd things because you never know when they’ll come in handy. I’m bringing a cardboard cut out of a police officer. Matt, if you still have the Podracer of punishment, that might be fun. In other words, I’m going to prepare by bringing completely random shit and see if I can somehow work it into the fest.
-WOLVERINES!!!

‘Till next week. Three weeks left, four updates left. The time is neigh.

Tales From The Black Hole, 1/2/07

2007-01-02T18:33:00.000-08:00

The way THE BLACK HOLE OF DES MOINES effects people can be varied and vast. Take the story of Mark Adler, a young man on a road trip, with a fresh loaf of his mother's Banana Bread on the passenger side's seat.

While Adler was on a trip from his home of Colorado Springs to visit his uncle in Chicago, he hit the road early one morning, vowing to save his favorite food for a mid-afternoon snack. Around the time he hit THE BLACK HOLE OF DES MOINES he could hold his desire no longer and tore off the celophane. It took only three miles for the whole loaf to be consumed.

The rest of the trip went without incident, until 22 years later when, on a family trip with his wife and teen-aged children, he drove through THE BLACK HOLE OF DES MOINES while drinking a diet cola.

As many do after consuming a diet cola, he began to belch, but soon found something odd - his belches tasted like BANANA BREAD! The BLACK HOLE OF DES MOINES strikes again.

B-Fest Update No. 3

2006-12-26T09:29:00.000-08:00

I skipped a week ‘cause I felt like it. No point in dwelling on it now. We best plow forward with...

B-FEST UPDATE NO. 3!!!

...And gentlemen, do we have some news to report. Let’s get to it.

-First and kind of important-like, my father responded with a mildly cautious “yeah, take it” when asked to borrow his car for this year’s trek. If you can remember all the way back to B-Fest 06, that’s the car we took. It’s the car we’ll take for B-Fest 2007, if that suits. We have wheels.

-Britt Wylie, one of my favorite lesbians in the world, has offered us five free tickets to the Shedd Aquarium if we’re still keen on going during the Friday morning of the fest. That’s us and two BMMB’ers who might be interested. Chad, if you want to inquire on the board or through your master web of BMMB contacts, that would be great. The aquarium is right along Lakeshore Road (or is it Lakeside Drive, or some other variant?) right along the way to Evanston. In other words, at worst we’re looking at “moderately lost” instead of “holy shot, let’s pay a cabbie to get us out of here” lost.

-Wyatt has the BHODMAS logo and has included it on the B-Fest program. He thinks the logo is “cool.” Or that receiving the logo was “cool.” He was a little unclear, but either way, something is “cool” which is good enough for me. He’s yet to receive the sponsorship papers I sent two weeks before Christmas, but that’s nothing to worry about just yet as the deadline is Jan. 15 if memory serves. If he hasn’t gotten them by Jan. 10 or so, we’ll start to get a little anxious.

-I got a portable DVD player for Christmas to get us from GI to Omaha where Matt can take over with his really big portable DVD player.

Now, onto the “musts” and “probably shoulds” of the week.
-Any plans to meet up with the BMMB the Thursday before the fest?
-We probably should think about some sort of skit for our movie. The one idea I had was creating some sort of sign that reads “KICKS” so whenever the teenage ne’er do well hot rodders do something bad so they can get their “KICKS” we can hold up a sign reading “KICKS.” It’s an idea that might need a little refining.
-Tell me, is it wrong I’ve already started planning my junk food menu for this year’s fest based on previous experiences in complete nutritional breakdown?

That’s all for this week. We’re getting closer. Personally, I love having the fest to look forward to after Christmas peters out. In fact, I might actually plan more for B-Fest than I do for Christmas. There’s help out there, and someday I’ll seek it out.

DAYS TO B-FEST: 31
Number of NoDOZ capsules recommended in a 24-hour period: 4
Number I took last year in a 24-hour period: 6
Time it took me to get to sleep after dinner that night: 2
Different types of cheese likely to make it’s way into my “Fest Food” this year: 3
What Wyatt thinks of our logo: “Cool”

B-Fest Update No. 2

2006-12-26T09:27:00.000-08:00

You’re reading B-Fest Update Number 2 with your stupid minds...stupid...STUPID

Here’s the good news. As of this writing, we’re all still alive, despite Chad’s best efforts to the contrary. The bad news, as I understand, is the phrase “the more the merrier” doesn’t apply this year, as Nekked Bill’s wife won’t let him join us.

Here are some other updates:
-Preliminary reports suggest my father is open to the idea of letting us use his car, but has yet to confirm, pending scheduling issues
-Through internal negotiations, Chad and I have agreed NOT to rent a monkey suit here in GI for the trip, hoping a)Godzilla versus King Kong will actually play and 2) whoever brought the monkey suit last year will bring it again and 3) I’m still willing after 20 hours of crap to get into the damn thing.
-Snakes on a Plane comes out on video Jan. 2. I call that required viewing on the way down.
-As an activity on the Friday morning before the fest, I nominate the Shedd Aquarium where my second favorite lesbian in the whole world works the front desk. It’s right along Lake Shore drive, has plenty of parking and pretty widdle fiddies all over da pool.
-The latest from Wyatt circa Monday:

Mike

I actually got the contracts signed off on today, so I will be putting
them in the mail tomorrow. Once you get them, sign both copies, then mail
one back to me; you keep the other one. Once I have the signed contract, I
will confirm you as a sponsor for the film.

In the meantime, if you have any logos you'd like to see on the program
guide, please send them to me and I will be sure they get included.

Thanks for your sponsorship!

Wyatt

Given my history with B-Fest and the mail we should have the contracts by sometime in February. Seriously, I’ll be on it like fart jokes in a Troma movie.

‘Till next week.

B-Fest Update No. 1

2006-12-26T09:26:00.000-08:00

BEVARE! YOU ARE REEEEEDING B-FEST UPDATE NUMBER VUN!

You guys like the number 8? Is 8 a good number? It’s half of 16 which is 4 squared. It’s the age I was when I got suspended for a day for flipping off the bus driver while wearing a plastic Freddy Kruger glove (true story). If you type 8 into Google you get a bunch of business development sites. It’s the number of hours of sleep you’ll be sacrificing come B-FEST! Oh, and it’s the number of B-Fest Updates I feel like writing this year. So let’s go with it.

WHERE WE ARE – It’s my pleasure to forward this e-mail I received today:

Hey Mike

I got your sponsorship check today. There's still no sign of the first one
- I don't know what could have happened to it. If it comes in, I'll be
sure to shred it.

I'll be submitting your contracts to our advisor on Monday. Because we are
currently on Holiday break, there's a chance the contract won't be ready
until the New Year. Either way, I'll be sure to let you know when I send
it out.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

Wyatt

Wyatt, of course, is Wyatt Olstadt, aka Tor of B-Fest.com. He’s been patient, kind and understanding as the first check mysteriously disappeared in the mail and Sarah and I had to pay a $24 fee to cancel the fucking thing. But it’s taken care of, it’s done, the money is in the right hands. We’re sponsoring “Hot Rods to Hell.” Yay us.
To me, that sounds like we’re in like Flynn (which is a phrase popularized by Errol Flynn for his propensity to get into things like trouble, lawsuits and 14-year-old girls, but I digress). That’s two “free” tickets for sponsoring the film and another one reserved, which I will pay for unless either of you two gentleman of letters object.

Here is a list, as I see it, of what we need to do between now and Jan. 25, when we leave at the ass crack of dawn:

-Create an overhead for the Black Hole of Des Moines Appreciation Society
-Settle on a tag line (I like “what happens in the hole stays in the hole...forever!)
-Secure a car. I will be asking my father over the holidays if we can use his, if not we’ll go to plans B, C, and D which don’t yet exist.
-Continue to consume oxygen
-Keep abreast of plans with the rest of the BMMB. I like those guys. And girl. There was a girl in there, right? It wasn’t that big a sausage-fest, right?

Whew. There’s a list. Now here are the things me might consider doing between now and then:
-Create a skit for Hot Rods to Hell
-View Hot Rods to Hell and pre-write apologies if necessary
-Have a big gooey slice of peanut butter pie
-Talk about other skits. We could get ambitious and do something for Plan 9 or Street Trash or whatever. I think it would be fun to prepare a bit this year, but I’m at a disadvantage as I’ve only seen three of the movies on this year’s list.
-Create a list of viewing choices for there and back again.
-Implement the ideas put forth by the Iraq Study Group.

As you can guess, I’m stoked. So let the brains roll, let the synapses fire, let the voice of freedom spread out through this land...THIS IS OUR COUNTRY!!! Oh shit. Sorry.

CLOSING THOUGHT:
B-Fest helps me take my goal of loving high art with a low brow, and just getting rid of that entire “high art” part.

Whaddaya Think Gentlemen?

2006-12-12T00:47:00.000-08:00

How's this for our logo to run on the B-Fest Program for Sponsors? Ya know, inside the first page?

I also got an idea for the transparency.

Suggestions? Anybody got any other ideas?

Tales from the Black Hole - 11/25/06

2006-11-25T10:00:00.000-08:00

We return again with Tales from THE BLACK HOLE OF DES MOINES, the strange vortex between the borders of Iowa that renders time meaningless.

Life inside the hole isn't as strange as most people think. On the contrary, if there is any such thing as "normal," it might be found inside THE BLACK HOLE OF DES MOINES. People work, they play, the love, they hate, they raise families and attend their children's soccer games.

To the outsider, however, there is a notable difference, one which you must dig in order to find. While time seems to flow normally for those inside THE BLACK HOLE OF DES MOINES, most everything dealing with time travel is widly askew. For example, if you were to watch "Back to the Future" inside THE BLACK HOLE OF DES MOINES, you would see nothing but Michael J. Fox and Christopher Lloyd staring into the camera for two hours. Needless to say, residents of towns like Iowa City and Cedar Rapids wonder why the movie is considered a popular classic.

The group also shares the opinion on "Land of the Lost," "Star Crash" and about 1/3 of every "Star Trek" series.

Gentlemen, what have we done...

2006-11-24T01:47:00.000-08:00

Remember: What happens in the hole, stays in the hole. Forever.

Tales From The Black Hole: 10/31/06

2006-10-31T20:16:00.000-08:00

As most young ones are snuggled warm in their beds, little to they realize that every day is Halloween in...

THE BLACK HOLE OF DES MOINES

Especially if you like to be punctual, which brings us to the story of Jason Pike, a headhunter with Associated Staffing Systems, who prided himself on fast returns and prompt service. He liked to impress clients by being early, working harder and being the "go to guy."

This Omaha worker was hired to find an executive for a company in Cedar Rapids, and scheduled a meeting for 9:30 a.m. the morning of Wednesday, Oct. 4. Per his routine, he woke at 4:30 a.m., dressed in a sharp suit, grabbed his well-prepared briefcase and prepared to ace yet another client.

His trip began listening to morning radio talk shows on the FM stations, but once he was well inside THE BLACK HOLE OF DES MOINES, the talk shows started to sound strange, as if the announcers had developed a deeper baritone, the music taking a slower timber. Before he knew it, the exit to Cedar Rapids was rolling by his window.

Slamming on the brakes, he took the exit, but still firmly ensconced in THE BLACK HOLE OF DES MOINES, his day was just beginning, literally. When he pulled up to the offices, he exited his car, walked to the door and pulled in a firm, confident manner only to find the door locked. Looking around, he noticed it was still dark outside. He remembered the sun rising, but must have been mistaken. Or was he?

He checked his watch, blinked, and checked again. His clock read 4:45 a.m., Wednesday, Oct. 4. He had made the four hour trip in 15 minutes.

Needless to say he made his appointment, though the secretary found it odd, when she arrived to work at 6:40 a.m., to find the only other car in the parking lot sporting Nebraska plates with a man, chuckling to The Bob and Tom Show in his car, by himself.

A Word From He Who Walks Between the Arches

2006-10-31T13:38:00.000-08:00

"Don't bring your evil here."

Tales from the Black Hole: 10/28/03

2006-10-28T11:51:00.000-07:00

Simon Townsend and his lovely wife Amelia were newly in love, and being newly in love, would often find themselves in the throws of passion at odd and interesting places. Little did they know they were about to become victims of...

THE BLACK HOLE OF DES MOINES

It began on Aug. 12, 1962, when the two young lovers found themselves east of Des Moines, but still far west of Iowa City. The time dragged on, and as young lovers tend to do, they became impatient at the lack of progress in their trip. Their goal, you see, was to find a quiet, out of the way hotel to spend the night, and hopefully several happy hours in each other's embrace.

But as time dragged on and the clock on the car dashboard ceased to work, the couple realized, in the back of their mind, something was amiss. Yet, as many do, the continued onward, convinced there would be no problem reaching Iowa City by nightfall. But night fall never came. In fact, as is common in the THE BLACK HOLE OF DES MOINES, time has no meaning, the sun does not set or rise, and the clock does not tick.

After what seemed like weeks of driving, the couple couldn't take it any longer. They pulled over into the most secluded spot they could find and proceeded to have at each other for roughly 45 minutes of time as measured outside THE BLACK HOLE OF DES MOINES. Strangely, to Simon it felt like hours, to Amelia, only one minute and twenty-two seconds, which has no baring on our story.

After their physical needs were met, the couple got back into their car and eventually generated enough inertia to break free of the clutches of THE BLACK HOLE OF DES MOINES. But that, dear reader, is where the story takes an odd turn. You see, Simon and Amelia were married and spent their lives together. Unfortunately, their doctor told them they would never be able to conceive children, so they went through life, blissful in their happiness together, until their 40th wedding anniversary.

At that point, Amelia, long past her child baring years, found herself simultaneously pregnant and in labor within mere moments of cutting their anniversary cake. Gestation lasted roughly 20 minutes and after 10 more minutes of labor, she gave birth to a beautiful baby boy.

It seems everything in the human body can be affected by THE BLACK HOLE OF DES MOINES, including the human reproductive system. It had taken her system 40 plus years to actually conceive from a tryst started in the car that fateful day.

They named the boy Aaron and forbid him from ever setting foot in the state of Iowa. Especially with a girl.

Idea for a theme

2006-10-27T17:02:00.000-07:00

I've been obsessed with Muse since I bought their albums and the one line from Knigts of Cydonia that I love (and applies to the BHODMAS) is this:

Don't waste time or time will waste you.

What do you think? Sounds like a theme to me.