Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Tales From The Black Hole: 10/31/06

As most young ones are snuggled warm in their beds, little to they realize that every day is Halloween in...


Especially if you like to be punctual, which brings us to the story of Jason Pike, a headhunter with Associated Staffing Systems, who prided himself on fast returns and prompt service. He liked to impress clients by being early, working harder and being the "go to guy."

This Omaha worker was hired to find an executive for a company in Cedar Rapids, and scheduled a meeting for 9:30 a.m. the morning of Wednesday, Oct. 4. Per his routine, he woke at 4:30 a.m., dressed in a sharp suit, grabbed his well-prepared briefcase and prepared to ace yet another client.

His trip began listening to morning radio talk shows on the FM stations, but once he was well inside THE BLACK HOLE OF DES MOINES, the talk shows started to sound strange, as if the announcers had developed a deeper baritone, the music taking a slower timber. Before he knew it, the exit to Cedar Rapids was rolling by his window.

Slamming on the brakes, he took the exit, but still firmly ensconced in THE BLACK HOLE OF DES MOINES, his day was just beginning, literally. When he pulled up to the offices, he exited his car, walked to the door and pulled in a firm, confident manner only to find the door locked. Looking around, he noticed it was still dark outside. He remembered the sun rising, but must have been mistaken. Or was he?

He checked his watch, blinked, and checked again. His clock read 4:45 a.m., Wednesday, Oct. 4. He had made the four hour trip in 15 minutes.

Needless to say he made his appointment, though the secretary found it odd, when she arrived to work at 6:40 a.m., to find the only other car in the parking lot sporting Nebraska plates with a man, chuckling to The Bob and Tom Show in his car, by himself.

A Word From He Who Walks Between the Arches

"Don't bring your evil here."

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Tales from the Black Hole: 10/28/03

Simon Townsend and his lovely wife Amelia were newly in love, and being newly in love, would often find themselves in the throws of passion at odd and interesting places. Little did they know they were about to become victims of...


It began on Aug. 12, 1962, when the two young lovers found themselves east of Des Moines, but still far west of Iowa City. The time dragged on, and as young lovers tend to do, they became impatient at the lack of progress in their trip. Their goal, you see, was to find a quiet, out of the way hotel to spend the night, and hopefully several happy hours in each other's embrace.

But as time dragged on and the clock on the car dashboard ceased to work, the couple realized, in the back of their mind, something was amiss. Yet, as many do, the continued onward, convinced there would be no problem reaching Iowa City by nightfall. But night fall never came. In fact, as is common in the THE BLACK HOLE OF DES MOINES, time has no meaning, the sun does not set or rise, and the clock does not tick.

After what seemed like weeks of driving, the couple couldn't take it any longer. They pulled over into the most secluded spot they could find and proceeded to have at each other for roughly 45 minutes of time as measured outside THE BLACK HOLE OF DES MOINES. Strangely, to Simon it felt like hours, to Amelia, only one minute and twenty-two seconds, which has no baring on our story.

After their physical needs were met, the couple got back into their car and eventually generated enough inertia to break free of the clutches of THE BLACK HOLE OF DES MOINES. But that, dear reader, is where the story takes an odd turn. You see, Simon and Amelia were married and spent their lives together. Unfortunately, their doctor told them they would never be able to conceive children, so they went through life, blissful in their happiness together, until their 40th wedding anniversary.

At that point, Amelia, long past her child baring years, found herself simultaneously pregnant and in labor within mere moments of cutting their anniversary cake. Gestation lasted roughly 20 minutes and after 10 more minutes of labor, she gave birth to a beautiful baby boy.

It seems everything in the human body can be affected by THE BLACK HOLE OF DES MOINES, including the human reproductive system. It had taken her system 40 plus years to actually conceive from a tryst started in the car that fateful day.

They named the boy Aaron and forbid him from ever setting foot in the state of Iowa. Especially with a girl.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Idea for a theme

I've been obsessed with Muse since I bought their albums and the one line from Knigts of Cydonia that I love (and applies to the BHODMAS) is this:

Don't waste time or time will waste you.

What do you think? Sounds like a theme to me.