Um...oh yeah...

Is anyone navigating? I don't think it's a good idea to let me figure out where we're going.

B-Fest Update No. 4

My quick thoughts on the line up:

Firewalker - I don't know how wise it is leading off with Chuck Norris. I'm still lucid at that point and might not be able to separate the somewhat stale "isn't Chuck Norris a bad ass" jokes with the realization that he's actually a bigoted neo con who wants gays to go look on an island. Don't believe me? Read his blog on the National Review. This is the sort of thing I'm going to be thinking about, I don't care how much Lewis Gosset Jr. we're talking about. On the other hand, this is a particularly bad movie if I remember correctly - Norris as Indiana Jones which means it's just Chuck Norris. Color me skeptical.

Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man - That's more like it.

Mystery Short 1 - Do I hear monkeys? Monkeys? How about "You Are What You Eat?" A woman looking at all-guy porn? A primer on why not to walk under a ladder? Midgets fighting over a chair? Sonny Bono talking about drugs (a personal favorite of mine). Animals doing animal stuff while I watch while I shake my head and wonder why I'm still watching?

Murder in the Air - Oh yes, it most certainly is.

Raffle - I'm thinking Chad's going to get skunked. Call it a hunch.

The Wizard of Speed and Time - I actually had a dream about being chased by the tri-pod a couple weeks ago.

Plan 9 From Outer Space - OK. Seriously, what else am I going to say?

Scream Blackula Scream - I hear it's dull. I don't much care, I think it looks fun.

Don't Knock the Rock - I might have opened or closed with this one. It's hard to know how excited folks will be for dancing and merriment at 3 a.m. Little Richard in the middle of the night might be enough to send me to the hallway, and I'll be thinking violence if Bill Haley and the Comets play Rock Around the Clock more than once.

Donovan's Brain - I don't know much about this movie, but it's during the traditionally hard time to stay awake for me. I'm interested (unless the Donovan in question is the folk singer or the rather milquetoast actor Tate Donovan), but we'll see if I can slam a Brawndo and make it happen.

The Tingler - There we go. I can't wait for this one as - ghasp - I've never seen it. It sounds fantastic.

Captive Wild Women - Nothing like a good, old fashion contradiction in your title. If you're captive, you can't damn well be wild and vice versa. Come on movie. Then again, the title has me interested.

Mystery Short 2 - Does anyone actually believe this will be the second mystery short? I call at least five other shorts and another showing of The Wizard of Speed and Time before we get to the second scheduled short.

American Ninja 2: The Confrontation - When I say Golan, you say Globus. GOLAN! GOLAN! B-Fest gold each and every time their names appear on the screen and I'm expecting nothing different.

The Terror of Tiny Town - I'm actually kind of torn on this one. Yes, we're having fun and cracking jokes at this terrible movie but isn't this the worst kind of exploitation on display here? Isn't this completely undignif...I'm just kidding. Look! They're little! HAHAHAHAHHAH!

Mystery Short 3 - See Mystery Short 2.

The Incredible Two Headed Transplant - I don't know what's so incredible about it. You take one head, you put it on another head, viola. Now taking a woman's head off after a car accident and keeping it alive, there's something.

Megaforce - SQUEEEEEEL! I can not wait for Megaforce. This one's going to kill and I remember, the good guys always win. Even in the 80s.

Gozilla Versus Megalon - Eh. Go Godzilla.

Onto logistics.

Chad and I are leaving about 1 p.m. on Wednesday, we'll catch some flicks, eat some dinner and make it over to the Campbell household around 9:30, if that's OK with the Campbells. A little Rock Band, a little drinky poo, a little OMG on the Internet and we're off to bed. I say we make it a point to be out the door by 6:30 if we can. That won't be too bad for us day walkers (sorry Plambeck) and we can hit the road.

Speaking of which, I've got a few surprises for the car I'll keep for now. I'm also bringing an Executaine, an elegant traveling case for booze, and a projector.

And, that's it. The hotel is reserved (they sent me confirmation letters and everything), the van is en route and we're set. Be careful out there and I just wanted to say Good Luck, we're all counting on you.

B-Fest Update Number 3

Top 10 Things A&O Films Is Doing Instead of Putting Out The B-Fest 09 Schedule:

10) Trying to find a film starring William Shatner that hasn't been shown.

9) Laughing hysterically at monkeys in diapers.

8) Trying desperately to repair the print of "Wizard of Speed and Time" so it can make it just one more year.

7) Trying to find a projectionist who'll sit through a Roger Coreman snooze fest AND Plan 9 in one sitting.

6) Hooking up and smoking weed while all the while being watched by that creepy guy in the bushes with a fixation on blunt instruments...

5) Laughing at "The Adventures of Superscrew."

4) Wretching and shaking their head at "The Adventures of Superscrew."

3) Plotting which films will make Mike drowsey so he'll miss "The Adventures of Superscrew."

2) Trying to find a host more personable and good with a crowd than last year's host (it's going to be difficult!)

1) Probably learning stuff.

Well screw that. I want my B-Fest list. Now. It's gotten to the point where I'm refreshing my e-mail once every couple hours, at work or at home. I need to know, man. You can't go stag with this level of pain, you need to prepare and guard yourself if at all possible. This is psychological warfare and I'm not getting caught with a right hook of "Gassssssss" and a left hook of "Invasion of the Star Creatures" again.

Chad is off to the magic kingdom and won't return until Sunday, so no decision can be made at this time concerning when we'll leave GI. If I had to guess, I'd say Wednesday but it kind of depends on his schedule.

Apparently some on the BMMB are looking at a trip to mini-golf. I can't decide if I want a road type adventure that mini-golf would provide or if I'm more comfortable catching a flick and staying in the general vicinity of the fest. A decision probably should be considered.

You ever notice how B-Fest comes at just the right time? I've got relatives getting laid off and friends seperating from their wives, troubles at work that are keeping me up nights and persistent health problems. This seems like the time to go away for a while and do nothing but laugh with friends, drink out of coconut husks and generally have some fun. Now, if they'd only POST THE FREAKING LIST!!

Everything else is OK Go. Post predictions and preferences and we'll be back next week.

B-Fest Update Number 2

Realizations always come at the worst time.

I just realized I'm going 90 after I passed that cop.

I just realized I left the lid off the milk last night as my toddler daughter screams for her morning fix.

I just realized Frank Miller made me hate Sam Jackson AND boobs with one movie.

You know, stuff like that. I had one of those moments yesterday when I realized that my B-Fest ticket rested on the peddling skills of a bald, bespeckled, approaching middle-aged guy I had met maybe 5 times who I wouldn't put money on to make it across Chicago on his bike in January.

Yet, here we are - four guys with four tickets to B-Fest. So let's all raise whatever we're drinking to Skip, the man with the tickets. A good guy, a strong guy, a guy who went through urban hell on two wheels so we could sit in cinematic hell for 24 hours. What a guy, I repeat

WHAT

A

GUY!

Now that we're clear of that, onto the update.

Not only is "The Van" set, but I have an appointment the week before B-Fest to take it in to Wal-Mart's auto center for an oil change, tire pressure test and a few more diagnostic procedures to make sure we make it there and back. Both are important. Which brings me to the question, when do we want to leave? I am off of work at noon on Wednesday the 28th, meaning I could bop down to Omaha at a reasonable freaking hour the night before we're due to leave. Chad, if you're up for that, let me know. If not, we'll hop on the road at 4 a.m. Thursday morning and we're off.

I'll bring my lap top, Matt, bring your big screen portable DVD player, and we'll all bring a bunch of movies, throw them in the middle and see what sounds good. Personally, I'm searching for Chicago films, with a few other "must brings" on the list.

Thursday, once we're there, it's the typical "meet up in the lobby, go clean up then off to food and the Hali Kahiki" type of thing. Groovy. The morning before the fest, Chad and I talked about maybe catching "My Bloody Valentine" in 3-D. Is it wrong that's my most anticipated movie right now? If that's not the consensus, I'd also like to catch "The Wrestler." Cinematic steak before a gorging of cinematic Vienna Sausage from a can.

And, that's about it for now. Next week, we'll talk more about how dreamy Skip is.

Helo. WHEEEE!